See ya next year....

This has been a crazy and hectic December.  We have a lot going on, between now and the week after Christmas...my brother going back to PA and my sister coming from New Jersey, doctor's appointments and, of course, we are looking forward to a beautiful Christmas with our family.  

This is the first really fun Santa year with my older grandson and granddaughter.  They really get it. So much so, they think it is Christmas every morning when they wake up.  It will be so much fun to have magic back in our Christmas again!  Chris and Danielle are living the "good old days" that they'll be talking about years from now.

Ryan and Liz had their first Annual (subliminal message to them :) Christmas Party at their new home last night.  It was beautiful!  Everything looked and tasted perfect!  A very special night for sure.  We are all hoping they continue this new tradition every December.

I'll be taking a few weeks off, but plan to get back to serious blogging about health updates and my usual, yadda, yadda, yadda, after the first of the year.  

I want to thank everyone that has been following, and for the great feedback.  It seems to be a two way street.  It is a gift to learn from each other!

Wishing everyone a beautiful holiday season, filled with special family moments. Happy and healthy 2012 to everyone!  Maybe this will be a great year for us all!

XOXO

Cathy

It's been a week already???

Time is flying by, as usual.  I try to post at least two times/week, but have been slacking in that department.

My brother and his wife, John and Lisa, have been down helping out with my parents. It is great that their schedules allow them the freedom to spend so much quality time with everyone.  They have been staying with us, which is like having a slumber party every night...although, I'm not too good in the slumber department....and Lisa, is the bad girl that sneaks wine in to the party, which makes her a good girl :)

There has been a lot going on, which keeps my adrenaline flowing like a geyser....I need some sheep...with mallets. This is my normal and will never get used to it.

Anyway, just wanted to drop a line. With my slumber parties, I am finding I am not at the computer as often as before.  I do not plan to stop blogging, but I suspect there will be fewer for the next few weeks.  Hopefully, I'll get one out every week, at a minimum. 

Oh, and some exciting news about my friend, Carole.  Super excited that her sister will be on QVC next Thursday, 12/8, between 5:00 & 6:00, selling their delicious cakes.  This has been a long time in coming and I hope some of you set your DVR so you don't miss it.  Her cakes are AMAZING and a great gift idea.  I'm hoping to make my QVC debut and call in with my testimonial...and I suspect after a minute or two, they'll cut me off mid-sentence.  So, if you watch and hear a call from Cathy from Coral Springs, that will be me.  Good luck girlfriend!!! 

Short and simple, just know that I am a little behind, but still hanging around :)

Did I Say Thankful???

I know I just wrote about Thanksgiving last night, but I had to tell the world our very exciting news.  We were all surprised to get the phone call that my mom and dad were coming too!  That was the best news!!  When I called Chris to tell him, he said "This is really a day to be thankful"...he spoke for all of us.

Our day was absolutely beautiful, in every imaginable way.  We can't thank Ry and Liz enough for our beautiful day and delicious dinner...everything was perfect!  Hey Mr. and Mrs. Steuber....what are you doing Christmas Eve???....just kidding.... no, I'm not...just kidding....no, I'm not....JUST KIDDING!...or am I?????   No, No, No, I am kidding :D

It took hours between my first and second paragraphs, since my body was destroyed when we came home.  I should have known to hold off on posting, until I had some medication.  It was just that I couldn't wait to share with the world, that my parents were able to join us.  We couldn't have asked for more....except for Phil and Laura....maybe next year will be even more perfect!

....and good luck to my son, Chris...he'll be at Toys R Us at 3:00 AM!!!!..I know, "crazy go nuts", huh????

Happy, Happy Thanksgiving...

It is so hard to believe that tomorrow is going to be Thanksgiving. We'll be spending it with Ry and Liz, in their new home.  They have been looking forward to hosting their first holiday for such a long time...I know everything is going to be delicious and perfect.

Also, we are so happy that Liz's mom, Jeannie, flew down for this special day.  It will be so much fun to see her again and get caught up.  No doubt, she is having fun helping Liz and admiring the "view" out back!  It's a little scary bringing pies to the "Lancaster Lady"... Jeannie is used to the best!

Not to mention, Chris, Danielle, Brayden, Gabby and Baby Maks will be with us too.  I can't wait to see the kids in their new Thanksgiving outfits!  They are really too precious for words!  I cannot wait for my bear hugs from the kiddies - words cannot describe the feeling. 

Unfortunately, my mother and father will not be able to be with us.  Obviously, they will be missed terribly!  Wishing my mom a better day tomorrow.  Hopefully, we'll get to bring some leftovers to them tomorrow night or Friday...there will be lots of pie...and hugs to deliver! 

Additionally, we'll have two more vacant seats., We'll be missing Phil and Laura too..so much!!  Phil is at sea and Laura is spending Thanksgiving with her family...which is so nice for the Kreitman's.  They'll have a great holiday, no doubt!

We don't all have perfect lives. I can't think of too many people that "appear" to have no complaints.  In spite of all of this, we all have so much to be thankful for tomorrow and every day.  I have many friends with poor health, financial problems, family issues, some with seemingly perfect lives, etc., yet I can't think of one that couldn't make a list that is a mile long, detailing all they have to be grateful for...(I know, ending a sentence with a preposition :)...not grateful for that!

As you have all noticed, I can be quite the complainer myself!!  With all my different issues that we have dealt with in the last year, along with my health....and now my mother's health....I still have so much....so much more than a lot of people. I feel that I have always kept that in perspective for just about all of my adult life....although, I do eat my heart out when I see people out power walking...but, who knows, maybe their families and friends aren't as amazing as mine...duh, how could they be????

I know that everyone will take a moment to give thanks tomorrow....and for that moment, realize that "yeah, I am SO blessed".  Wishing you all a beautiful Thanksgiving and to savor that "yeah, I am SO blessed" moment....tomorrow and throughout the year.

It happened again....tomorrow is Ry and Liz's exciting day and their Frank Sinatra wedding song just came on my playlist....tomorrow will be beautiful!

Please keep my mother, Marie Mahony, in your prayers! XO

Striking while the iron is hot...

On my way to bed, but wanted to write a short one.  Jimmy and I just came home from a really fun visit with my parents.  My mom looks great and somehow, with us both being sick, we still have endless stories to tell!  Anyway, I could see she was getting tired and I was too.  When we left, I was really looking forward to getting home and directly in to bed.  HOWEVAH', it is just about impossible for me to drive past Deerfield Beach without stopping.  In the old days, it would have been for some power walking, these days it is to get something to eat and directly back home, or to simply drive past the beautiful beach...heaven.

We usually end up at the "Patio Bar", which is right on the beach.  I have to say it is a little unnerving to see all the vacationers with their cute sundresses and sunkist faces....then, there's Maude :(  UGH!!! As usual, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.  

There was a guy playing the geeeetar.  As soon as we sat down, he was playing "Margaritaville", as if on cue....always a good start to feel like we are on vacation, even though it was a one hour vacay!  He played "Norwegian Wood" and some other great old songs.  When he played "Amy" (watcha' gonna' do), I couldn't help but smile.  I was thinking to myself that the next song had to be "Brown Eyed Girl".  Just as I was thinking that, I looked at Jimmy and he was looking at me smiling.  I asked him why he was smiling and he said he never sees me enjoy myself and he loved seeing the look on my face......then came the waterworks!!!  What is it with me???  But, he was right, I was enjoying myself...and it felt good.

While sitting there, I decided I have to take a night and literally do a pub crawl. (wish I really could do that, just once)  When we go out, I always drink water with lemon.  I need to hit the hard stuff - top shelf Long Island ice tea...I need to get from point A to point B, no messing around.  I am a big talker, but this is a short term goal.  One of these nights, I'm going to do it...you'll see.

The one thing I really do hate about going anyplace that serves liquor is that after drinking water, I walk out looking like I had been downing shots.  So embarrassing!!!  I try to walk as perfect as I can, but I can never quite pull it off and I feel so conspicuous.  Watch, I'll have my Long Island Ice Tea and walk out perfectly...who's coming with me???...disclaimer, it will be a short night :)

So, we took a detour on the way home, and really did feel like we were tourists.  That always feels great!   Next time, I'll have to get a fanny pack that says "FLORIDA" on it, and have a camera hanging around my  neck. I wanted to go down to the water and put my feet in.  I checked the sign and the water temp. was 79 today...not too shabby.  Walking in the sand is hard for me and I wasn't up for "Dead Man Walking" back to the car, so maybe next time.

Over the past few weeks, I have been wanting to write on my more private blog, for those that are sick or dealing with some type of hardships in their lives.  It has been at least six months since I posted on there.  So, I expect to write on there within the next day or two. If anyone needs that link again, let me know and I'll e-mail it to you.

You can all consider this my post card from our vacation...  "Wish You Were Here!!!"....off to bed to see if there is a mint on my pillow!

Please keep my mom, Marie Mahony, in your prayers...

Me Mum....

I've been uncertain as to whether to post or not in the past, but tonight I thought it would be the hardest decision.  Once I started writing, I realized, it was the easiest post I have ever written. In order for me to continue blogging, I need to invite you deeper in to my life.  If not, I would have to stop writing.

A few days ago, our family learned that my mom is very sick.  Very shocking and surreal, and to be honest, I haven't been able to actually process this information yet.

There are two reasons that I am mentioning this.  

The first, is that from now on, my mother's health will be forefront in my life .....an unavoidable topic to discuss, on occasion. As humble as my mother is, I know she would rather I mention her from time to time, than not to blog at all.  She is one of my biggest supporters! I have said time and time again, that my posts come straight from my heart and soul, with complete honesty.  It would be impossible to write, yet dance around what is most important to me.

The second reason, is that I would like to address everyone's kind letters, telling me that I am an inspiration to them.  When I read them, I am always overwhelmed and surprised....looking behind and around me to see who they are talking about.  I am here to tell you that I am "chopped liver".  

After the phone conversation with my mother on Sunday night, learning about her struggles, then seeing her on Monday, I can see that I have a lot to learn about being inspirational.  My mother is absolutely amazing... her upbeat attitude and selflessness is boundless.  I feel like I have learned so much from her, from Sunday and Monday alone.  Also, I see how far I have yet to go, to be half the person that my mom is.

I had to take a moment to write this, because I can think of nothing else.  In my mind, I keep replaying our conversations. Each time, I am astonished at how much I have yet to learn...or in my case, absorb from my mother.  My mother is perfection and I cannot wait to see her again for my next lesson.

Please keep my mom, Marie Mahony, in your prayers~

Lucky Enough....

I'm sure most of you have seen the small hand painted signs, usually in touristy towns, that say "If you are lucky enough to live at the beach, you are lucky enough".  In my case, if I am lucky enough to have a somewhat normal day, I AM LUCKY ENOUGH!!!!  

Today was one of those extremely rare days.  For me a day like today comes once every few months. Usually, spread so far apart, that I cannot remember the last one.  

Well, let me tell 'ya....today was the day!  I didn't get to sleep until around 8:00 am this morning, and woke up around 2:30 pm.  My daughter-in-law, Danielle, had sent me an e-mail, asking if I could come over to help her with some decorating ideas. Initially, I wasn't feeling well enough to go. After around an hour, I started to liven up and decided to go over.  In fact, I livened up so much, that I got out my new QVC Bobbi Brown make-up (I was going to make the most of this sudden spurt of life!!!!).  I have to say, that it is rough putting on eye make-up w/o wearing glasses.  When I was putting on eyebrow pencil, I didn't know if I was going to end up with a uni-brow or a thin mustache.  Next, I put on my favorite perfume, flat ironed my hair and put on my diamond earrings....not to be confused with DIAMOND earrings!

On the way, I was wondering if Danielle would notice the spiffed up Cathy 2.0.  WOO HOO ~ Danielle complimented me as soon as I walked in the door, asking if I was wearing my new make-up, saying my brown top brought out my eye make-up and that it looked like I didn't even have any wrinkles....hey, wait a minute....what was that last part again?!?!?  It was hilarious that Danielle noticed immediately!  So, rather than looking like death, I looked like death with make-up.  Thank you Danielle, you made my day!!!  


Obviously, it was so much fun seeing the kids.  I just love to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze them - yum!  Danielle and I had a lot of success with the decorating end of our visit. It was like working again and it felt so great!! At this point, I was strutting my made-up self, lovin' my babydolls (grandchildren, not pj's) and happily back to work....the adrenaline was working overtime....hhmmm, time and a half???


As soon as I got home, Ryan and Liz were there to move some furniture from our house to their new home.  My adrenaline was still pumping from my earlier, very professional decorating consult :)  

Today, lightening struck twice!!!!  After being at Danielle's, my hair was a disaster and I was getting tired. Well, what do 'ya know..... Liz still noticed my make-up (so, I must have really looked gorgeous...right????) On the way to my house from Danielle's, I was actually wondering if there was ANY chance that Liz would notice my new, and very temporary look.  I could have died laughing when she mentioned it....Thanks Liz!!  You girls made my day today!  Although, I think both of them will have stretch marks on their noses....that's gotta' hurt, especially with their pants on fire!!! 


Unfortunately, this is not a testament to Bobbi Brown, as much as it is to how crappy I look E V E R Y single day.


I'll be going to Liz's soon, to go through all of her pictures and shelving.  For me, it is so much fun to help with anything to do with decorating, space planning, etc.  It makes me feel alive again.  I would give anything to be able to re-open my business.  At least I can say that I was "lucky enough" to have a profession that I loved so much, for so many years.  A lot of people cannot say that.

So, yes.....today, I was most definitely "lucky enough"....again.  It was a day I will not soon forget. 

Okay, so I'm miserable...

...and decided to blog anyway.  I'd have to look over my past blogs, but I'm pretty sure I haven't come on and written when I have gone  through these darker times in the past.

I have heard so many times, too many to count, how great I sound in my blog, and on the telephone.  When I read over my blogs, I have to agree... they sound like they were written by someone that is not that sick...a happy-go-lucky Pollyanna.  How I wish that were the real me!!!  

On the phone, I sound great and not sick at all.  That is because I do not pick up the phone when I am too sick for conversation....no matter who the caller.  I know many of you have had phone conversations with me where I start out "normal", but eventually dive and have to hang up. Those of you that have experienced this with me have heard my breathing become labored, my vocal chords starting to go, and a loss of interest in our conversation....the last being very uncharacteristic of me!  It's been that way for several years now and I'm used to not answering when I cannot.   I did have one call in particular, where I was way too sick to answer.  I really needed to touch base with the this extra special friend, and, against my better judgement, picked up the phone.  The entire call was miserable...rather, I should say I was miserable the entire call.  I felt so bad for my friend that I was talking too.  It is just too much to seem like my old self, when I am that sick. I will not make that mistake again.

As I have said many times before, when I write, I write from my heart, soul and with complete honesty.  That still stands true.  On the other hand, I avoid writing when I feel like I did today, emotionally speaking.  When I am this miserable, I don't write, because I don't want to post, woe is me, blah, blah, blah, how much can I stand?, blah, blah, blah, this is a nightmare, blah, blah, blah, don't come near me, blah, blah, blah, I need to run away/escape, blah, blah, blaaaaaaah

When I have a good spell here and there, and am feeling good emotionally, and physically up to sitting for the duration of writing the blog, I do.  At those times, I am happier,  more like the old me and grateful for all that I have to be grateful for....grateful and very excited that I am writing, which I enjoy so much.  I am always pumped after I post on my blog.  It is amazing for me to feel like I actually accomplished something.  For me, blogging is a big accomplishment.

What possessed me to come on and write, with the way I have been feeling all day, I'll never know.

In thinking about it, I would have to say that I am writing this in hopes that my "usual" posts aren't misleading.  I do have many, many very low points throughout each week.  When they hit they feel like they are eating me alive and I absolutely hate, grit my teeth hate, it and struggle to get through it, which I eventually do.  And no, no one can help.

Don't ask me why, but I felt compelled to spit this out tonight!  ....hoping you all have as much accurate insight in to my life as possible...especially those that are very sick too...I'm no Pollyanna....well, at least not tonight :/  

I have to admit that I cannot explain my willingness to expose myself to this degree.  It must be because I cannot see any of you, and that I do not know many of my readers.  It's just me, writing a diary on a virtual piece of paper. 

Before I took my three month break, I was also posting on my alternate blog.  That blog is intended for those that are very sick, or have had insurmountable obstacles to deal with.  Preferably, not for my family.  In some cases, it is best they do not know my heavier issues.  It wouldn't serve a purpose, other than to upset them.  There is more than enough information and insight in this blog for them to really get it, which they do. Since I came back to the blog the end of September, I haven't written on that site.  I expect that I will be posting on there soon.  I'll let you know when I am back to that additional blog again. Like before, anyone interested in the link for that blog,  you can write to me and I will send it along.


On a lighter, happier note, I had a special song with my sensitive, sweetheart grandson, Brayden two years ago.....Viva la Vida...it just played on my playlist and that always tugs at my heartstrings...and tear ducts... I DO love our special moments. XO..that's to be a direct hit for my sweetie, Brayden...

I should be in bed...

...but, I'm too tired to get up from the computer.  If I can squeak anything out in this post, it will be a miracle!

I'd like to thank my sister-in-law, Lisa for talking my ear off, for hours tonight...oh wait, Lisa reads this, I mean, I was talking Lisa's ear off for hours tonight. Lisa should be the one blogging and complaining this time around. As always, it was so much fun. I only wish that we were sitting across from each other, with a glass of wine in one hand and a bottle in the other...or, maybe no glass...

Three days ago, it was my sister Nancy's, birthday - Woo Hoo!!!  Nancy just looooves celebrating her birthdays...well, maybe not so much.  Anyway, it was like a gift to me to be talking to Nancy on her BD and catching up.  It always feels like a visit. Now, with Nancy, I wish we were sitting across from each other, each with a piece of birthday cake from L & M Bakery.  Make a wish Nance!

My sister-in-law Geri and I caught up earlier in the week. It had been ages since we last spoke.  Well, that is really the case with everyone.  It is always such a treat to get caught up.  We were on the phone for a little while, we will continue with part two in the next call. There is always too much to cover in a single call.  Now with Geri, we would be sitting across from each other with 1/16th of a glass of wine each glass :)...right Kel???

I have to give myself a pat on the back for my phone call progress! Even though, I think, they were the only ones I caught up with, I also had a swing and a miss with Dina, Kathy and Ceal.  Trying counts!  

Today, I deactivated my FB account.  It was a long time in coming and it felt great to move on.  I'm sure I'll be checking in from time to time to see if, God forbid, I am missing anything.  Although, I don't think I will be doing that any time soon.  Anyone that contacted me through FB messaging, can e-mail me through my address in my profile.  I'm back to communicating like in the old days, via e-mail :)

Jimmy and I have been, well really I have been craving delicious, thick, fresh mahi.  I have a great recipe with an almond/buttered crumb top, with a scallion beaurre blanc sauce.  Actually, I'm working on replicating a recipe from a great local restaurant.  I think I have it all figured out and ready to go...in my head at least.  This morning, I went to Fresh Market, knowing their mahi would be fresh and beautiful.   I had all day to rest.  Unfortunately, that was not enough time.  After all that, I was not well enough to make it.  I'll have to make it tomorrow.  If worse comes to worse, I'll have to delegate (I'm good at that :) to Jimmy on what needs to be done!  He'll feel like he is in "Hell's Kitchen"...

Overall, I've been pretty sick every day.  That is normal and my life every day.  The only difference each day, is that the symptoms, or combination of symptoms may change a little.  To be honest, if I could win the "symptom" lotto, the prize would be pain for sure.  The reason for that, is that the Vicodin really helps soften the edges and relieves the worst of it.  Other than that, there is nothing available to treat some of my other, very horrible symptoms. I have days where I actually feel like I am dying, although I am not, it feels like death is imminent...and at times like that, I would welcome it with open arms. Days that severe only come a few times a month - thank God!!!!! So, I'm betting on pain for later today...c'mon pain, c'mon pain....come to momma.  It is the lesser of the other evils.

I don't want to mislead anyone, there are short spells almost every day, where I feel okay.  Of course, that is when I stay in bed, flat on my back.  As soon as I try to kick it up a notch, the party is over...back to bed. If I force myself to stay in bed, I would have a decent day... in most cases.  There are days that I wake up with the worst of the worst symptoms and they are nightmarsh days that usually last at least an entire day. As far as staying in bed,I know I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes, it is worth getting really sick, just to peak my head in to "life" for a little here and there...definitely worth it.

I received a really, really funny gift from Ceal yesterday.  From time to time, she finds the funniest cards, at Cracker Barrel of all places  They are hysterical.  Anyway, this time the card came in a box with something wrapped in tissue paper.  In the card, Ceal wrote "I found the perfect medicine for you. It came from a very reputable source and it can cure anything.  Just take a couple a day and think of me!!".  Hhhmm, I looked at the tissue and was thinking, "please be m&m's" ..what I found was much better.  It was hysterical.  A little medicine bottle with a picture of Lucy Ricardo on the front.  It was Vitameatavegamin!  I was laughing out loud - Ceal really did find my cure!!!!  I love Lucy, but I love Ceal more! On the bottle, it says it tastes just like candy and says "do you poop out at parties?"...you can say that again!  Unfortunately, only the seniors will get this one, but I have a huge smile every time I look at the bottle, or even think of it! 


Not sure if you would remember my prior post when I said that I, of all people, ordered Bobbi Brown make up from QVC, then had second thoughts.  I made a deal with myself and canceled one of the two collections...that's progress.  So, my make-up arrived today.  I had everything in bed with me, checking it out.  You would think that I was going to the Oscars tonight.  Anyway, I was going through all that came in the collection.  One of the things was lipstick that you apply with a brush.  The little compact that the lipstick comes in has a small mirror.   I was in bed, looking like total death, and I was putting on the lipstick with the brush.  I had to have looked like Bette Davis in "Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte".....if Jimmy walked in and saw that, he would have thought I had lost it for sure!  Death face with the perfect color lipstick....just what Bobbi Brown was envisioning when she put this collection together!!


Lucky for all of you, you are sound asleep by now.  Otherwise, you would have had nightmares after reading that last paragraph.


I'm going to put on my lipstick, schmear it a little, and go to sleep.. ..hush...hush...

Spud ~ thinking of you, "China Cat Sunflower" was just playing on my playlist :D

Mrs. Hyde, reporting from the dark side...

...I guess, I should have written that yesterday, on Halloween.  In yesterday's, very early morning post, I mentioned possibly writing on a bad day.   The thought never occurred to me, since it typically isn't an option. 

Since the beginning, I have said that I do not want to come off as a complainer.  Because of that, I try to "touch" on the bad issues, but not dwell on them.  Today is one of my bad days, and I decided to actually post....something I have never considered before.

Actually, it began yesterday.  I didn't get to sleep until around 11:00 am and woke up approximately 2:30 pm.  As I expected, it was a difficult day.  I asked for it over the weekend with the trip to the movies (no regrets & worth the price), surprise visit with Chris, Danielle & the Kids (no regrets & worth the price:),  riding six miles to see how Ryan's house is coming along (no regrets & worth the price), then stopping at the food store on the way home (at that point, nothing was that important and I could feel myself fall apart..no regrets??  more like no brains).  I stopped at the store to pick up an adorable mini Halloween cake to bring to Brayden, Gabby and Maks on Halloween :(

Waking up yesterday, I was physically destroyed.  So much so, that I was not well enough to get over to see my grandchildren in their Halloween costumes.   If I were to stay in bed 24/7, I believe that I would have less really bad spells, but living a bed bound life is too big of a price. Back to paying for my weekend, today, is even worse.

I finally went to sleep at approximately 3:30 am and woke up around twelve hours later, which was an hour or so ago.   My entire body is in pain that would make it impossible for me to leave this house....even to deliver the cake to the kids.  If I left, for any reason, later I would be rolling in the bed, groaning with pain...not talking, since I would know that would lead to crying.  

When I am like I am today, which is a typical day for me, I have to stay put and stay in bed.  This is why I rarely make or answer phone calls...and why there are sometimes long spells between blogs.  When I say my entire body is in pain, I mean every square inch.  Every muscle, ligament, tendon, etc., affecting any and all body movement.  So you can imagine what it is like to have to walk and function in any way.  Actually, functioning is not an option...period.

Not today, but on random days, I also have severe stomach issues join the party.  I have a condition called gastroparesis.  Because of that, my stomach sometimes does not receive the nerve impulse to digest my food.  This leads to food in my stomach rotting and not continuing in the digestion process.  As you can imagine, this also brings on severe nausea.  Luckily, this isn't the case on all my bad days, just some.

My brain is horribly affected.  I have tried to describe the brain issue to family and friends.  No doubt, they don't completely get it.  It is like nothing I have experienced as a well person, and probably would not have understood it either.  It is like my brain has been unplugged and stops working.  Anything , and I mean any thing, that would require me to think or process information is impossible.  I can feel the strain on my brain when I try to think, read or concentrate.  It is not an option - there is nothing there. Not to be confused with a headache - I feel more like I had a traumatic brain injury and that there are things I just cannot do.  Luckily, for the most part, this is only when I am having a bad day.  All the while, I am still hoping to find some type of employment that I can do from my laptop, in bed...I know how ridiculous that must sound.

I have read some of my past posts, and the overall blog does sound like it had been written by a healthy person.  Again, it is because I am at my optimum when I write.  For some reason, I still get "excited" (you all know me), and just go for it when I can.  At those times, I am "excited" to write about anything and everything.  As Jimmy pointed out, my blog was getting away from what is really happening in my daily life.  The initial intent of this blog was to keep my family and closest friends updated.  Today, I decided to allow Mr. Hyde to get a few words in edgewise....just a glimpse.

This has been a very hard post to write, physically.  Trying to think straight and type.  The words often don't make it to the keyboard.  When reading, and re-reading and reading again, it amazed me how I would leave huge obvious gaps in sentences.  This explains why it sometimes takes me a long time to respond to e-mails.  When I have to backspace for almost every word, numerous times, I usually just hit delete by the end of the first line and walk away.  Writing this post has been a nightmare....again, the reason why I do not write when I am not up to it.

Back to bed...come to momma'..... Jimmy can find leftovers, so sad I missed my babydolls on such an exciting day for them...no doubt, Jimmy's dinner will be the Halloween cake...I know...POOR JIMMY....I can hear you mom & Erica!!!!!!!!!!

So, BOO, Happy Belated Halloween from the Dark Side...

Up and running...

..and, you didn't even know I was gone!  

Over the past few days, I have been deciding whether or not to continue with this blog.  I came to the conclusion that I would bring it to an end.  It was a hard decision to make, but I thought it would be in my best interest, at this point.  Inadvertently, my niece, Keli, completely turned my way of thinking around.  It was funny, because she had no idea that I was planning on closing up shop, or the impact that her letter would have on me.  Keli picked me up, dusted me off and pointed me in the right direction, without even knowing!! Well, now I am both excited and proud to continue my blog.  Thanks Kel!

I have to add that my daughter-in-law, Liz, also gave me some good advice to keep me on track...thank you Mrs. Steuber!  Liz & Keli were my dynamic duo yesterday!

For me, this has been an insanely busy weekend....and, I am living to tell about it ~ Woo Hoo!  If I hadn't taken pain medication a few hours ago, chances are that I wouldn't be posting right now.  

Which reminds me....Jimmy and I were talking about my blog several days ago.  He said that he doesn't feel that I go in to enough detail regarding my daily struggles and that I am not conveying an accurate portrayal of my daily life. It's funny he brought that up, because I had recently been thinking the same thing.  Somehow, I have veered away from the core reason for this blog.

One reason that I haven't been dwelling on that side of me, is that I usually hold off on taking pain medication until later at night.  Because of that, I am well enough to write when it is very late.  I write every time I am up to it, so when I am not writing, it is because I am too sick.  Unfortunately, depending on my symptoms, pain medication cannot always help. Days like that are very difficult and I have to surrender and stay on my back.  Again, you are not hearing what I have to say on those days...that would be Mr. Hyde....

When I am feeling better, I am not fixated on my rough spots.  It is my opportunity to forget.  If I were ever to write when I am very sick, you would think my keyboard had been hijacked.  Maybe, one day, I will write when I feel like I can't. Like I have said, early on in my blog, I want to be sure that others that are very sick know that I am one of them.  I just do not want to hit you all over the head with incessant complaining. 

Another reason, and I may have mentioned this in a previous post, is that since I have accepted my situation, I am finding it easier, emotionally, to deal with the pain and debilitation.   It is very hard, but my outlook has been helping me cope much better.  Mind over matter can only take you so far, but it has helped me tremendously to "deal".  Every day is incredibly frustrating.  I drop everything I pick up, then drop it again, and again.  Considering, I was told not to bend over, it drives me crazy.  When I do bend over, I have immediate symptoms that are intense.  

My pain, horrible weakness, debilitating fatigue and worsening sudden muscle cramping is a daily occurrence.  The cramping is especially bad around my rib cage.  I was driving last night and I had the worst cramp on the left side of my ribcage, then simultaneously, another on the right side.  It was hard to drive with my body so distorted and trying to work them out.  

There are sudden decent spells, usually lasting no more than an hour or two.  When they hit, I get immediately over confident, thinking..."could I be getting better???".  You would think I would give it more than an hour or two before asking myself that crazy question. I'm a slow learner! 

When I do take advantage of these good spurts, I'll go to the food store, or make a good dinner. Depending if I was really well enough to venture out, or if I stayed out too long, it is like lightening striking. My entire body starts to fail..even to the extent of causing my speech to slur.  I was at a jewelry store the other day.  The jeweler wanted my opinion on a new line he was considering carrying.  He left me to talk with the sales rep.  I really needed to get in and out, since I am a ticking time bomb when I am out and vertical.  Luckily, they had stools, but I really had to get home.  While I was talking to the rep, my speech was getting worse and worse, then it was hard to get the words from my brain to my mouth.  It was so bad, I had to apologize to him and tell him I have neurological problems.  I didn't want him to think I was drunk or on drugs....if only :)

I'm happy to report that this weekend didn't turn in to the nightmare that it could have.  I really pushed myself.  Although, Jimmy and I went out to dinner on Friday night...not the best idea.  It was one of those cases where I suddenly dive before the entree is brought out.  We were sitting in a booth, so I put my legs up on Jimmy's side and that helped a little.  When I am out of the house and dive, it is like a panic situation....just horrible.

On Saturday afternoon, I met my mother at the movie theater to see my friends movie, "The Might Macs" (my new nickname for my grandson Maks :)  It was a split second decision.  I had to get myself together and out of the house in a matter of minutes, to make it on time.  

It was a miserable rainy day.  When I went to leave, I realized that Jimmy had taken my handicap minivan to Ryan's.  OH NO....as much as I love to ride in his car as a passenger, driving it is a different story.  It has stick shift and I am not comfortable with that.  UGH - I was buck, buck, bucking every time the red light turned green.  Not to mention, it was raining and I had no idea how to work the windshield wipers ...and, my crazy new progressive lens glasses...every time I turned or tilted my head the tiniest bit, my vision was blurry/clear/blurry/clear/blurry/clear....but, nothing was going to get in my way of seeing this great movie!!!  As soon as it started, I had tears running down my face.  I know how big of a deal this was for the Chambers family.  I was so happy.  It had been five years, since they filmed.  Diane would call me all the time with updates from the set.  It was so exciting to see "Executive Producer...John Chambers" roll at the beginning of the movie.  I was filled with tears for most of this beautiful story.  I knew many of the people in the movie and it was such a thrill!!!!  I cannot wait for John and Diane to get back from Italy so I can gush, gush, gush!


That about did me in for Saturday.  Going to the movies is very hard on me.  In fact, I haven't done it in years.  I really need to be in the last row, since I have to fidget and put my legs over the seat in front of me.  Believe me, the hike up Mt. Everest to the last row is really hard.  It is just as hard, coming down the steps.  "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" ....I've been waiting five years for this day!  Diane said they were going to try to get me a copy of the film, so I could see it at home.  I'm so happy that I saw it on the big screen!

Today, I had an unexpected visit from Chris, Danielle and my sweeties!!!  There is nothing like it...so much fun!  Also, I stopped at Ry & Liz's to see how the paint looked and it looks beautiful!!  It is always fun to catch up in person! We are all excited for them to move in soon! If only I could have jumped in a helicopter to go see Phil on the ship :(

I want to go back to the acceptance of my daily struggles and the positive effect it has had on me.  Amazingly, it took over six years...SIX YEARS to cry UNCLE!  I'm not sure if there was one thing that pushed me over the edge, or if I was just tired of fighting.  Each and every day, for so many years, I would wake up in total disbelief that this was happening to me.  I guess I was afraid that if I admitted that "yes, this is happening to me", that there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel.  In a funny, round about way, accepting it is a light at the end of tunnel...just a different tunnel.  I'm hoping that everyone reading, that is also very ill, has also accepted their limitations.   


Being so sick for these past years has had a positive effect on my life.  I have learned so many life lessons, that I am not sure I would have ever learned.  It has brought about some changes that have actually made me think that getting sick is not necessarily a bad thing.  As I have these realizations, I try to be sure to pass them on.  I love passing them along, so some may learn along with me, without having to get sick...


...and that is why I am writing this blog....XO

Nothing much to say..

...especially, since I talked poor Ceal's ear off today.  SORRY CEAL!!!!!  One subject kept running and colliding with another, then another, then back to the original subject...I didn't come up for air!  For all I know, Ceal put down the phone, went for a walk, took a nap, ran to the store, then came home and picked up the phone and I was still going. I swear, it was like a couple hour run-on sentence, without commas.  Ceal got someone in to heaven today!  Thank God that "friend abuse" isn't a crime, because I would be sharing a cell with one of the Lohan's right about now....and talking to them too.

Anyway...I am really looking forward to meeting with the job coordinator that is coming to my house tomorrow morning.  One of the things I was telling Ceal today, was that while living in this cloistered life, I'm hoping there is a crack or crevice somewhere that I can slip through and be productive.  I kind of have to feel around in the dark to find it, but I am convinced it is there... somewhere.  There just has to be a use for me...in fact, I know there is. Unfortunately, knowing there is a use for me, and knowing how/where to find one, are two different stories.  I'm not expecting a miracle tomorrow, and I am expecting to hear that there isn't a fit for me.  The best I am hoping for, is that they remember me, if something does come along some day.  Time will tell.  The good news is that they know the degree of my debilitation, so I don't have to try to look or act like something that I am not these days.  I will no doubt "dive" during the two and a half  hour interview, but at least I can do whatever I need to, since I will be at home.

I had an unexpected QVC frenzy with Bobbi Brown the other day.  Such a joke to buy more make-up when I am rarely out of the house. I usually can't get beyond mascara, when I am putting on make-up.  I have to be having the best possible spell to go beyond that.  A person in solitary confinement with beautiful new make up?!?!.....I better get going to see if can still cancel these orders!  Hhhmmmm, my play list is now playing Coldplay's "Fix You"...maybe I shouldn't cancel.....I would do anything that Chris Martin tells me to do ;)

Oh well, another boring post, just stopped by because I am excited about tomorrow.  I'm going to be either very happy or very disgusted when it is over.......actually, I'll probably be neither, just collapsed in bed.  Speaking of.. I have to sleep tonight, so I am vertical and dressed for our 10:00 am appointment....see ya'

ps ~ So excited that Anya won on "Project Runway" tonight...love that show!  I want to lose all my weight, buy her collection and run away to an island....that's all........folks :)

Update ~ Ouch..it is almost 6:00 am and still no sleep!  My brain is going to have an "out of body" experience when this interviewer shows up....

Hi...Ho...It's Off To Work I Go (maybe)

Another sleepless night...almost 6:00 am.....so, you are stuck with me!  Today, I slowly recovered from yesterday and the weekend.  It was horribly rough, but today brought some high points and smiles ...those that are sick, do not lose sight of the non-nightmarish days...the unexpected, surprising smiles....even one or two can help forget about the previous day/days.

Speaking of smiles, Danielle and I had a talk a few weeks ago about this.  I told her that everyone smiles and thinks nothing of it.  With the turns my life has taken, I am so keenly aware each time I smile.  When I  smile, I think to myself how great it feels.  You kind of have to go to hell and back to fully appreciate your own smiles.  I absolutely love them, and never would have given them a second thought before I got sick...I smiled, so what????  I'll tell 'ya what - they are amazing!  I'm sure those of you that are also very sick, understand exactly what I am saying.

Jimmy and I had to go to pick up a new phone, for our bedroom.  I couldn't chance sending him alone to find a good one, knowing he would come home with two cans and a string.   As far as the latest "thangs" in TV's, phones, computers, etc., I am a complete Wilma Flintstone.  I have to say, Fred and I are really excited about our new phone..it's not even an elephant tusk.....it really doesn't take much these days.  I love it because it has bluetooth built in.  Now, when my cell phone rings, it rings on the house phone also. (you are all probably saying.."where has she been???") I much prefer to talk on the house phone, over the cell.  It must be because I am so far "over the hill", but I always move the pin dot of a hole that you hear out of, a quarter of an inch from my ear and wonder what happened to the other person on the line. Erica would say "okay Aunt Mary"!  So, I can say that was my highpoint of the day....jealous???  Not to mention, that my cell phone is no longer working, so at least I can receive cell calls on my new dandy house phone....yeah, I'm all that!  Next step ~ cellphone.  I hate going in to the Verizon store and will need the w/c for that - yuck!

I do have something exciting happening this Friday morning.  An organization that was developed to help chronically illl/disabled people find some/any type of work, is coming for an appointment.  I have been mentioning lately, that I need to find a way to work and contribute to our finances.  If you could see me, with my daily struggles both physically and cognitively, you would know that this is probably a waste of everyone's time.  

They will go through my health issues and symptoms with a fine tooth comb.  They will go through my previous work experience, talents and shortfalls with a fine tooth comb as well.  They try their best to find some type of work that I would be able to do at home.  The girl that I spoke with on the phone, felt strongly that I could make money with my blog....I'm not so sure about that, in my case.  So, it would be a miracle if something actually came of this, but I do not have anything to lose having them out.  Other than this, I have been at a total loss as to how I can bring in an income.  I'll no doubt be blogging after they come on Friday morning.....that is, unless I am busy ordering beautiful, professional suits(pj's) online for my new career!  This topic drives me insane.  There has to be someone, someplace that could use my help in some capacity....but the million dollar question is "what that would be?".  If only Broadway would read my blog :)

So, my point, in my usual long, round about way of telling stories, is that if any of you that are disabled/chronically ill and unable to work, please contact me.  I will give you more information about this organization.  Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to want so desperately to work, but be too sick to leave your home.  Hopefully, this team will think of something that I (we) haven't thought of yet.  It would be great to help some of you get on track.  Aside from the potential income, it would be amazing to actually feel like a productive member of society.  Fingers crossed that this leads to something.....

Another high point from my day today, is that I received a call from my sister-in-law.  It has been months since we have caught up.  There is always so much news!  It was such a treat and great hearing her voice.  When we hung up, she said that we'll cover part II in the next call.  There is definitely a part II waiting in the wings.  Hopefully, we'll get to continue our conversation soon.  At this point my most owed phone calls are to Ceal, Lisa, Kathy, Dina & Erica.  Now, they are the calls that destroy me, so I have to prepare myself for the aftermath...but it would be so worth it and I can't wait. After each of these calls, I always say "I should have made a drink or had a glass of wine for the visit".  I must remember to do that next time!! These calls give me such a lift.  Now I know how the guys at prison must feel when they get to make a call. As much as I hate the thought, I might have to start wearing (God forbid) horizontal stripes - black and white....and pick up my first harmonica...loverly...and, hey...I want to be paroled...

This was a pretty boring blog, sorry guys!  It was important for me to get the word out about the job placement setup for chronically ill people.  I couldn't keep that information to myself!

Well, right now, my playlist is playing "Helplessly Hoping"...that pretty much sums up my thoughts for Friday's appointment...stay tuned :)

and five, six, seven, eight....

Today was one of those days from hell...very bad.  Luckily, I was saved by Dancing With The Stars Broadway night!!  Woo Hoo!  A little "Jersey Boys". "Rent", "Chicago", "Cabaret"...gives my heart a jump start!  For the life of me, I can't imagine where I could have been when they called me?!?!? Maybe it was the day I was performing "Chicago" in the car on the way to Miami....razzle dazzling me, myself and I!

It was a busy weekend for me, by my standards.  So much fun, helping Ry & Liz pick out colors for their living room and bedroom.  OH, how bad I want to work again!!!  Of course, mid way, I had to lie on their floor.  I'm sure that my imaginary future clients would LOVE that!  There has to be a way I can generate an income.  One of these days, I'll be posting that I found a job that actually fits my horizontal life......there has to be something that would work for me, it is just a matter of having one of Oprah's AHA moments aka my head smacking moments....can't wait!  It WILL happen...you'll see! I hope these words taste good, because I'll probably end up eating them!

We also had unexpected company that had my adrenaline going through the roof! We all know what that leads to, but it is always worth the price I have to pay. Everything from this past weekend that caused my horrible crash and burn today was time well spent....without going in to detail, it is also liberating to have a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders that I have been carrying around.  Unfortunately, that loss of weight isn't reflected on the scale :(

I took my vicodin around an hour or so ago.  If I hadn't, I certainly wouldn't be on here.  It was about as bad as it can get today, the kind of day where the tears are so, so close to the surface....just from pain.  No doubt, it will be the same tomorrow....just happy I don't have to leave the house and I can work my way through my day in peace and quiet.....did I really say that????  Oh, I miss me so much!!!!!

I know this is a short one, and I have to get back to bed.  It would be perfect if I could telepathically blog....you know that kids song...."this is the song blog  that never ends, it goes on and on my friend.."  after seeing DWTS tonight, I'm ready for a Fosse inspired dance to that little ditty...one that never ends...

Geez, two blahgs in a row...'sup???

I think this is the third time in a row that I am writing, not expecting to actually post.  My body is aching so bad and I need to get in to bed.  Something compelled me to take the extra few minutes to write.  I can't imagine that it is going to be worth reading, but I'll give it a shot.

Since the post of October, 11, when I was so excited that I spoke with Diane Chambers and Rick Leonetti in the same day, I haven't be up to another "catch-me-up" phone call.  It really disturbs me that I am so out of touch with every single one of my friends....no exceptions. Hate that!!!  Unfortunately, with such long spells between calls, there is too much to talk about, by the time I do make the call.  It has to be a rare, perfect moment to have the mental strength and physical energy for this.  When I talk to these precious friends, I am so excited to hear what I had missed for the past several months...or longer.  I love to catch up on them, their families and talking about the good ol' times.  It takes the life out of me.  Anyway, as hard as it is to believe, everyday I hope to make a call.  I cannot wait for the next one!!  For me, it is like a vacation, ladies night, or just a normal persons thing to do.  

I had an appointment with a new cardiologist at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Miami.  This guy is at the top of his field and I am making a permanent switch to him.  He is going to be on top of my aneurysm, and bad aortic valve situation.  Our next appointment is in January.  At this point, my aneurysm is 4.4 cm and the surgery to disect the aorta, then re-attach it to my heart, along with replacing the valve is not imminent, which is good news.  Depending what is going on with my valve, the surgery will be done when it hits at 5 - 5.5 cm, depending on other factors.  It's funny, because I have no symptoms from this, and all of my debilitating issues are completely separate from this not so tasty icing on my cake.  At least for now, I can put this on the back burner and my head back in the sand, right where it belongs.....aaahhh, I like it in here..

A few posts ago, I wrote that I thought I was actually, FINALLY accepting my health issues and limitations.  It's been a few weeks since then, and I have to say that I do think I jumped that hurdle.  It is nice not to fret so much wondering "how can this be???"    I asked Martha Stewart what she thought, and she said "It's a good thing"...and, it is :)

Ry and Liz are working like crazy in their new home.  I absolutely love going over there and looking at the lake and pool - so serene!!!  Hopefully, they will be set up enough to move in soon.  Poor Ry has a torn meniscus.  Once he gets the MRI results, he'll have to go forward with one of  two surgeries....it's always something!!

A few days ago, Jimmy came home from work early.  We stopped over to see the kiddies!  My intent was to stay just a few minutes, because I couldn't deal with having a really rough night.  As it turned out, we ended up taking Brayden and Gabby to Steak 'n Shake, then to our house for an hour.  They are SO adorable!!!  Gabby had on her Cinderella dress, so we kind of stood out...not to mention, she had a few wardrobe malfunctions!  No matter how tired and sick I feel, they put such a smile on my face...many times accompanied by tears of joy....but, tears come really easily these days, almost all are happy ones.  Chris and Danielle have also been working really hard on the interior of their house.  It's been so long since I've been over, and was fun to see all they have accomplished... it looks beautiful!

While Phil is at sea, Laura moved in to a brand new townhome.  Phil is going to be thrilled to come home to such a nice house...hardwood floors (jealous!!), cherry cabinets and granite.  Wishing them all the happiness in the world in their new home. 

Speaking of Phil, I hear from him on a regular basis and I LOVE getting his letters.  He is such a sweetheart ....what?? ...he is my son??? Oh, I would have said that anyway :)  Unfortunately, he cannot divulge anything about where they are and what they have been up to. Looking forward to hearing his new stories.  The stories from the last time out were great! 

I do have to mention my girlfriends amazing mail order/online order....SOON TO BE ON QVC ORDER, company, "Full Spirited Flavours".  ..AMAAAAZING (opera voice)!!!  Carole just sent me their new sampler petite cakes....here are the flavors....chocolate cake with raspberry liqueur, along with chocolate chunks and a raspberry liqueur glaze......amaretto with chocolate pieces, infused with an amaretto glaze and topped with toasted almonds......Limoncello Cake....yellow cake made with limoncello liqueur and lightly embellished with white chocolate pieces..DID I SAY AMAZING??....Mango Coconut Rum Cake... bits of mango, infused with coconut rum glaze, with shreds of coconut...AMAZING~AMAZING!!!   Their website is www.fullspiritedflavours.com.  This is a great gift idea for the holidays, or to have at your own holiday party.  Like I have said before when bragging about my talented friends, I would NOT write about this if these cakes weren't truly amazing.  I never appreciate the flavor of liquor in my desserts...that's just my preference.  When I received my first cake from Carole, I was ...again the word of the day...AMAZED!  You can taste the liquor, but I suspect there is a lot of butter also (the Sherlock in me), which diffuses the heavy liquor taste.  The liquor flavor is not intense and you can taste all the delicious fresh ingredients that they put in to these gems.  You will be hearing more when Carole is scheduled for QVC.  I believe she goes in next week for presentation training....I'll tell you what...I should be there, not Carole!!!  I could talk for hours about these delicious treats...no really, I could :)  They would have to get one of those giant hooks to get me off of the set...or maybe hit the "gong" !!!  In the end, it would be almost impossible to pick a favorite, but the Limoncello is out of this world...but then, so are the others....  Go ahead and treat yourselves and your friends...you will be thanking me...and, Carole, of course!!  I'm "you're welcome-ing" you in advance!

Well, I do have more to talk about, but I have been upright too long...not taking the time to proof read this one, it is what it is!  Time for bed....I'll be back soon!

XO

Playlist alert....This one is for Patty Bagnell..."Hello It's Me" just came on.  After your recent letter, this will always remind me of you....sweet dreams Pearl ;)

Blaaahhhhg

Here I go again...wondering why I am writing when there is no news...oh, I forgot, that means good news, right????  

So, where was I???  Oh yes, talking about keeping in touch with everyone.  It's only been a few days, since I last posted.  Since I wrote about keeping in touch, it has been on my mind, morning, noon and night.  It astounds me that I very rarely feel up to a call.  With my issues, my brain just doesn't have the strength to follow along in a conversation or even care about it, for that matter.  I swear, I can actually feel the strain, mentally.  Luckily, all days are not like that, but most are.  When I am lucky enough to have a better day, my million dollar question is "To call or not to call"...or take advantage of that rare decent hour here and there to actually break out of this joint!  Both are desperately needed when the moment hits.  It seems that I usually opt for getting on the other side of my front door.  Every day, my goal is to make a call.  If I could get one or two in per week, that would be great! I cannot wait for the next one...don't forget to check your caller ID, because when I am ready, I AM READY!!!  You might not want to answer!

I felt bad today after talking to my son, Chris.  Danielle had an appt to get her hair "did" by "our guy Lou" (he is the BEST)...anyway, something came up and she had to reschedule.  There wasn't an available babysitter.  Chris knew not to bother asking me to come over.  While we were talking, I was thinking "could I have done it???", plus I would love to help out.  I had to face the fact that I cannot babysit for these little sweethearts.  It seems like I have been asking myself "could I" a lot over the past year or so.  It is hard to face the undeniable truth... it is impossible.  UGH!!!!  I would love to be available to help out, and get some "sugar" while doing so.  I really do not like facing facts!  As of today, I guess I can say that I officially accepted this one....gulp...

Today, I went a little overboard....actually, more like "man overboard".  I knew I was pushing myself too hard and that the price would be hefty.  It is like purposely driving through a red light during rush hour.  I had some different things thawing in the refrigerator.  Once meat thaws out, I HAVE to cook it that day.  As it turned out, I had a few things thawed at once.  I ended up making a really good chicken stock, for soup tomorrow night, a pot of spaghetti sauce with meatballs and big chunks of pork, then a little pork roast and mashed potatoes that we had for dinner.  When Jimmy came home from work, our kitchen looked a little like the "Golden Corral", if you remember that story!  I wanted to call my parents and invite them over to eat with us tonight, but knew that wasn't an option.  I was horribly sick throughout this cook-off.  By the time dinner came, I wouldn't have been up to any conversation at all, not to mention I HAD to eat dinner in bed.  It was bad, groaning in pain bad :(  I do know better, but did it anyway.  Thank God I have vicodin, because I needed a double dose.  I held off as long as possible, before taking it.  When I do, it is just like medicine....imagine that!

I recently heard from Phil (he is at sea), and he told me that they are moving in a week or so.  They are renting a really nice, brand new house.  I'm looking forward to getting some pictures.  Laura, with the help of friends, will be moving while Phil is on the boat.  I know Phil will be so excited when he gets back and sees his new home.  We are hoping to get up to visit Phil and Laura ...or should I say, hoping for a miracle...I wish we lived on 34th St, rather than 39th Ct!

Hhhmmm, this is really a boring blahg (wink, wink Ry), but I am going to post it anyway!  It is almost 2:00 am and I think I actually might get some sleep.....good night...

Oh, there goes Frank Sinatra again...Ry & Liz :)

Ring...Ring......"Yellow???"

I am too tired to write, but it's been a few days, so here goes....

Today was so much fun!  I had a great time talking (I not we) to Diane Chambers today.  I don't want to think about how long it has been.  Ooohhh, I hate being so detached from such special friends because of my health....breaks my heart.  Anyway, it was so funny, for those that know me well, because Diane happened to be with Erica when I called...double hitter. Erica and I weren't able to talk ...but, it was still fun hearing her voice in the background!

Here comes a major promotion for an upcoming movie!  Diane's husband, and my special boyfriend, John, is one of the executive producers of "The Mighty Macs"...coming to a theater near you :)....10/21!  John's brother Tim Chambers wrote and directed the film approximately three years ago.  Ellen Burstyn, Carla Gugino and David Boreanaz are in the movie....being billed under my friend Diane!!  Diane was an extra as a nun and fan in the bleachers.  It is a true story about the girls bb team from Immaculata college in '71 or '72.  It is one of those great feel good movies like "Rudy" and "Miracle", which Tim was also involved in.  The premier is this Friday night at the Kimmel Center.  It is going to be an amazing night for the entire Chambers family.  I am going to go bananas when I see it!  Diane's son and daughter, as well as others that I know are also in it.  I couldn't be happier for all of them.  Treat yourself and go see this beautiful and moving movie.  If you google "The Mighty Macs", you can see the trailer.

Aside from all of that excitement, it was just great to hear Diane's voice and get caught up, w/o the use of the computer!!  Oh happy days!!!

Not long after I spoke with Diane, I heard from another of my special boyfriends , Rick Leonetti.  It has been a very sad time for the Leonetti family.  Rick's mom, Carmel, passed away recently.  It was wonderful to hear from Rick.  I told him that he comforted me as opposed to the other way around.  Mrs. Leonetti, aka Carmel Candy, was the sweetest woman you could ever meet.  I knew that Rick gave the eulogy at the funeral mass and wondered how he would be up to such a thing. (so sad that I wasn't able to attend)  Today he told me that when he got up to the pulpit, he asked everyone to stand and give a standing ovation for his mom.....so beautiful!!!    Mrs. Leonetti deserved it...she was just that special.    It was a love fest for me on the phone today. 

If only I could have kept on going in touching base with all my most special friends and family.  Maybe, I'll try to sneak a call in each day, regardless of how I feel.  Who am I kidding???? It is always SOOOOO easy to say that before the fact.  There is a reason I cannot keep in touch.  It is too draining and hard to keep up with the conversation, when I am already very sick.  Alrighty then, I'll revise my new plan. I'll try to make my calls on the days that I am up to it....I cannot lose touch with my precious friends that I have meticulously accumulated over my entire lifetime.  They were hand picked using my crazy strict criteria and care ... sounds like a Welch's commercial!  I love my grapes...they're a great bunch...

For those of you that are also very sick, it is most definitely worth the effort to push yourself to stay in touch with your closest friends and family members.  I know, all to well, how easy it is to say, "I just cannot do it".  Although that may be the case for most days, there are exceptions....thank God!  Make that call ~ there is nothing like it for sickies like us.  It really is like medicine. you will feel like your old self...even if just for a short time. Isolating yourself and inching away from everyone is so easy, under these circumstances. It happens so slow, over months and years, that you don't even realize it is happening.  Before you know it, you have detached yourself from those that do not want to be detached from you.  Be conscious of this and do your best to be available when you can, whether by phone, e-mail or even a visit.

Even though it is no longer yesterday, now that it is 2:00 am, I have to say a big, fat HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY  to Ryan and Liz!!!  They are an amazing couple that were born to be together.  I'm so happy for this special, special day for them both.  Not to mention, they will settle on their beautiful new home, in Coral Springs, on Wednesday!!!  SO happy for them...we all are! (this is starting to sound like the very "amusing" letters that often accompany Christmas cards...so sorry :)

The songs that have played from my playlist, as I have been about to sign off lately, have been eerily appropriate...sounds made up, but it has been a series of strange coincidences...I'm not complaining :)


I was about to sign off just now, and the Frank Sinatra song that Ry & Liz danced to at their wedding...exactly two years ago... played, then when that was over, "You Raise Me Up" played :*(....Since I was too sick to attend the wedding, that is the song my mother danced to, with Ry, for the "Mother/Son Dance"........it is hard to type through tear filled eyes...better get going....love to you all XOXO

Nice People are Nice : )

The difference in the impact of having to deal with a nice person vs. a not so nice person is dramatic.  A nice person can totally turn my mood around....it's so simple.  Recently, I had three MRI's at the University of Miami, on Thursday, Friday and Monday. The staff at their MRI center is amazing.  I am in and out of doctor's offices all the time. If I deal with one nice doctor, nurse or receptionist at a visit, I am practically skipping out of the office...although that is a stretch....but, I am in my mind!  To be honest, they usually act like they are paying me...not exactly warm and fuzzy.

Maybe I am expecting too much, but these appointments are as close as I get to a social life these days...partaaay!  Obviously, I don't expect them to make me a martini and say "So, what's goin' on Cathy???" ....although, a girl can dream.....hiccup...boy this dream feels real...where did the waitress go????

The appointments are physically hard on me and I dread each and every one.  Because of this, I am miserable on appointment days.....so, back to the UM MRI center.  I swear a celebrity wouldn't have received any better treatment.  The receptionist and technicians were so incredibly kind, I hated to leave....almost!  I know that everyone that goes in for an MRI isn't necessarily "sick".  However, when you are sick, and getting to appointments is a grind, being greeted by smiling faces definitely lightens things up. There are no words to tell you how much I do appreciate a smile from anyone from the receptionist on up to the doctor.  I would hope that they teach kindness and compassion at medical/nursing schools.  I guess I wish they could walk a mile in my flip flops....for a Camel...just kidding, for a Vicodin...just kidding....for a Lychee Martini...hey, I'm not a kidder!

Basic kindness should be the norm, not the exception...everywhere, not just at doctor's offices and hospitals. Although, a cold, detached reception at a health care facility is absurd...in my opinion.  Obviously, they are all not like that, but most really are.  Through the years, I have said that it has to take more energy to maintain a stone face when dealing with others, than it would to smile and be kind...not to mention, that kindness is most definitely contagious :) 

Obviously, they knew me by the third MRI at UM.   When Jimmy and I arrived and found out that they were actually running ahead of schedule, I made a complete fool out of myself ....clapping and saying "Goody, Goody, Goody".....UGH...who says that???????  I was so comfortable, since having just been there twice...they felt like friends.   My family and friends have heard me say that a trillion times.  Anyway, at least I didn't clap and say "Hercules..Hercules..".(I will have to explain that to my parents!)  I don't realize how I talk and sound, but for some reason, the "Goody, Goody, Goody" tapped me on the shoulders around fifteen minutes after I said it and I cringed..... well, that's what they get for being so sweet.  

Today, I went to the Cleveland Clinic for a CT scan of my achy breaky heart.  The guy that greeted me was such a scrooge.  I couldn't believe how unfriendly he was.  So, I decided that I would not say "thank you" to him when we were through (remember that I am miserable going to every appointment)....but, it slipped out.  The technician was strictly business and rather cold too...'sup?????  

Okay, a new idea for my reinvention.....giving seminars to doctors, nurses and everyone in the medical field, including receptionists.  I would love to tell it how I see it.  It takes so little to make a not so great experience palatable...SO LITTLE!  Of course, my daughter-in-law, Liz, wouldn't need to come to the seminar...or the Fenyus girls...

I guess all I really wanted to say today, is that if you have the opportunity to treat a stranger with subtle kindness and warmth, please do...we're all strangers to someone...it can turn a random encounter, in to a change in attitude for that persons day.....and hopefully, they will pay it forward.  They might even say "Goody, Goody, Goody" :)  they meaning me

My encore performance.....

Well, today I had to go back to the University of Miami for my second of three visits for MRI's.  As much as I hated to ask my mother to take me, I just had to break down and ask her to bring me yesterday and today.  Jimmy is taking me on Monday.  Anyhoo, after reading my post about my sitting-ovation-worthy "Chicago" performance the last time I drove myself to Miami, my mother asked me to put the CD in.  She didn't have to ask twice ;0  And they call Jimmy a saint!!!!  It really does pump some temporary life in to me.  My mother said that it made her drive faster, I think that is the same as saying "BRAVO!!!"...isn't it????   I assume her accelerated speed was due to her foot tapping the gas pedal along with the "show"!....what a rush...I love me some Broadway :)...wonder if my mother feels the same way?!?  I have a feeling she might have a sudden interest in mimes....much like Ceal, Kathy & Erica :)

MRI's are very difficult for me the past few years.  When I lie down, I have to be on my side, or I am very uncomfortable. Others in my condition, seem to have the same issue.  Lying on the MRI, flat on my back, unable to move a muscle for over an hour is excruciating for my muscles and bones.  Yesterday, I took one Xanax and one Vicodin.  I was close to tears by the end.  Today, I upped the Xanax to two, along with one Vicodin.  I have to say, it helped.  When I go on Monday, I will be in the tube for approximately one and a half hours - UGH!!!!!  Looking forward to this round of tests to be over, although I am having a CT scan of my heart on Tuesday.  CT scans are much shorter and easier to take.

Last week I finally ordered new glasses.  I am at the point where I need them to see close and distances.  Today I picked them up....they look exactly like the glasses that come with the fake plastic nose and mustache....minus the nose and mustache! NO, I DON'T HAVE A MUSTACHE!!!!!   I'm what you would call a "looker"...meaning I can now see!  I never love the way I look - that would be imposerous - but it is so nice wearing glasses all the time and always being able to see.  I have progressive lenses.  The eye doctor said it can take as long as three weeks to get used to the lenses.  You should have seen me in the parking lot.  I thought that the lines painted on the asphalt were steps????  Yet, another humiliating moment to add to my Encyclopedia of Humiliations.

The good news is that I get to stay home tomorrow...that is unless I want to get some exercise walking up and down the steps in the Walmart parking lot. 

I want to add that Phil sets out on his second Coast Guard duty for two and half months tomorrow.  Even though he has been living in Charleston, I am really going to miss him even more, once he sets sail.  We all love you Phil and wish you an incredible experience. Bon Voyageeeeeee Coastie :)

Oooohh, I want to hit "publish", but my play list is playing "On My Own" from Les Mis....aaaaaahhhhhhh...I swear I sound just like her....I'm such a dreamer....did I just say that out loud???? I really do sound like her :)

Hot Off The Press...an article by Peg

It is 2:00 in the afternoon....very rare for me not to be writing in the middle of the night.  Like all of my posts, I'll start writing, then decide whether to delete or not.  I think I may have deleted one or two since I began.  Today feels off, so this may not make it to "print"!

I guess the best word to describe how I have been feeling lately would be "unsettled".  In my previous post, I said that I felt that I have finally accepted my issues.  Luckily, I do still feel that this unexpected transformation is really taking place.  Hoping it continues...

In spite of this, I still feel very unsettled.  There are so many missing fragments to my life.  I'm sure you all remember the old Fisher Price toy...the little wooden work bench with the round colored pegs that you hammer to push through.  Well, I cannot tell you how many times I have felt that hammering down of the peg, until it is flush with the wood, as the perfect visual to describe how I feel about my losses....BTW, I am the red peg :)  It's like, ugh, more gone...ugh, more gone...ugh, more gone...gasp...nothing's left.  Putting the physical issues aside, there are so many unpleasant mental/emotional changes,  I feel such a loss of spirit and self.  It is an awful hollow feeling....like the shell of a person with no depth, just vacant....actually I picture my brain MRI to show a crummy motel with a blinking vacancy sign...We'll leave the light on fer 'ya....

I cannot allow this to happen any longer, not without a fight. Obviously, I cannot be the old me physically, but damn it, I have to get back to my old spirit and personality.  I am desperate to re-invent myself, using the tools I am left with.  Here's analogy for 'ya...lucky you.... picture a baker who has made a specific cake..signature cake.. for most of his ..her life.  Suddenly,  her ingredients are no longer available and never will be.  But, this is what the baker does....she has to take unrelated ingredients and keep the bakery up and running.  Well, I want my spirit to be up and running again.  Like the baker, I have ridiculously limited resources....but, I don't believe it takes me out of the race.

At this point, for me to prevent total insanity (hey...I can hear you...)... I HAVE to rework my life.  It HAS to have some meaning.  I WANT to feel like I am contributing to life, the world, anyone/everyone.  

So many have written beautiful lengthy letters, telling me to pursue writing in some form.  Some have mentioned a column in the newspaper, recurring article in a magazine or even writing a book.  I would absolutely love doing any of these things.  It is something I could sink my teeth in to...(hey, I can hear you again..working on dieting)....  For me to write, it would have to be the subject matter of this blog.  I believe I can only write honestly, and talk about what I know to be true about myself.

My biggest obstacle is myself.  I am not confident enough in my writing to take it beyond this blog.  On the other hand, if a magazine carried a monthly article written by someone chronically ill, written brutally honest in discussing the lows and how very exciting the highs can feel.....I would immediately subscribe to that magazine.  I can't help but think that there are so many in my position that would feel the same way.  I am obviously not a psychologist or even college educated.  In this case, I don't feel it is a necessity, since I would only be talking about my experiences...how I am affected by the good and bad....and good :)

The other night I was on the phone with my daughter-in-law, Danielle, for a long time. We were discussing this and she was helping in giving me the push and saying how great it would be.  Thanks Dil :)  I told Danielle that I would want to start inquiring at the very top ("O Magazine".."I thought she said she wasn't confident!!!").  Starting at the top, then OBVIOUSLY, working my way down, down, down immediately!! 

Confident or not, I have decided that I do want to pursue taking this to a new level, to reach more and more chronically ill people, along with their families and friends.  Not sure what the first step would be.  Is it the type of thing that I would need an agent for, or would I contact the magazines personally?  Any suggestions??

Honestly, it would be so incredibly rewarding and fulfilling......exactly what I am lacking in my life....I would love to make a difference...