Hot Off The Press...an article by Peg

It is 2:00 in the afternoon....very rare for me not to be writing in the middle of the night.  Like all of my posts, I'll start writing, then decide whether to delete or not.  I think I may have deleted one or two since I began.  Today feels off, so this may not make it to "print"!

I guess the best word to describe how I have been feeling lately would be "unsettled".  In my previous post, I said that I felt that I have finally accepted my issues.  Luckily, I do still feel that this unexpected transformation is really taking place.  Hoping it continues...

In spite of this, I still feel very unsettled.  There are so many missing fragments to my life.  I'm sure you all remember the old Fisher Price toy...the little wooden work bench with the round colored pegs that you hammer to push through.  Well, I cannot tell you how many times I have felt that hammering down of the peg, until it is flush with the wood, as the perfect visual to describe how I feel about my losses....BTW, I am the red peg :)  It's like, ugh, more gone...ugh, more gone...ugh, more gone...gasp...nothing's left.  Putting the physical issues aside, there are so many unpleasant mental/emotional changes,  I feel such a loss of spirit and self.  It is an awful hollow feeling....like the shell of a person with no depth, just vacant....actually I picture my brain MRI to show a crummy motel with a blinking vacancy sign...We'll leave the light on fer 'ya....

I cannot allow this to happen any longer, not without a fight. Obviously, I cannot be the old me physically, but damn it, I have to get back to my old spirit and personality.  I am desperate to re-invent myself, using the tools I am left with.  Here's analogy for 'ya...lucky you.... picture a baker who has made a specific cake..signature cake.. for most of his ..her life.  Suddenly,  her ingredients are no longer available and never will be.  But, this is what the baker does....she has to take unrelated ingredients and keep the bakery up and running.  Well, I want my spirit to be up and running again.  Like the baker, I have ridiculously limited resources....but, I don't believe it takes me out of the race.

At this point, for me to prevent total insanity (hey...I can hear you...)... I HAVE to rework my life.  It HAS to have some meaning.  I WANT to feel like I am contributing to life, the world, anyone/everyone.  

So many have written beautiful lengthy letters, telling me to pursue writing in some form.  Some have mentioned a column in the newspaper, recurring article in a magazine or even writing a book.  I would absolutely love doing any of these things.  It is something I could sink my teeth in to...(hey, I can hear you again..working on dieting)....  For me to write, it would have to be the subject matter of this blog.  I believe I can only write honestly, and talk about what I know to be true about myself.

My biggest obstacle is myself.  I am not confident enough in my writing to take it beyond this blog.  On the other hand, if a magazine carried a monthly article written by someone chronically ill, written brutally honest in discussing the lows and how very exciting the highs can feel.....I would immediately subscribe to that magazine.  I can't help but think that there are so many in my position that would feel the same way.  I am obviously not a psychologist or even college educated.  In this case, I don't feel it is a necessity, since I would only be talking about my experiences...how I am affected by the good and bad....and good :)

The other night I was on the phone with my daughter-in-law, Danielle, for a long time. We were discussing this and she was helping in giving me the push and saying how great it would be.  Thanks Dil :)  I told Danielle that I would want to start inquiring at the very top ("O Magazine".."I thought she said she wasn't confident!!!").  Starting at the top, then OBVIOUSLY, working my way down, down, down immediately!! 

Confident or not, I have decided that I do want to pursue taking this to a new level, to reach more and more chronically ill people, along with their families and friends.  Not sure what the first step would be.  Is it the type of thing that I would need an agent for, or would I contact the magazines personally?  Any suggestions??

Honestly, it would be so incredibly rewarding and fulfilling......exactly what I am lacking in my life....I would love to make a difference...