..and, you didn't even know I was gone!
Over the past few days, I have been deciding whether or not to continue with this blog. I came to the conclusion that I would bring it to an end. It was a hard decision to make, but I thought it would be in my best interest, at this point. Inadvertently, my niece, Keli, completely turned my way of thinking around. It was funny, because she had no idea that I was planning on closing up shop, or the impact that her letter would have on me. Keli picked me up, dusted me off and pointed me in the right direction, without even knowing!! Well, now I am both excited and proud to continue my blog. Thanks Kel!
I have to add that my daughter-in-law, Liz, also gave me some good advice to keep me on track...thank you Mrs. Steuber! Liz & Keli were my dynamic duo yesterday!
I have to add that my daughter-in-law, Liz, also gave me some good advice to keep me on track...thank you Mrs. Steuber! Liz & Keli were my dynamic duo yesterday!
For me, this has been an insanely busy weekend....and, I am living to tell about it ~ Woo Hoo! If I hadn't taken pain medication a few hours ago, chances are that I wouldn't be posting right now.
Which reminds me....Jimmy and I were talking about my blog several days ago. He said that he doesn't feel that I go in to enough detail regarding my daily struggles and that I am not conveying an accurate portrayal of my daily life. It's funny he brought that up, because I had recently been thinking the same thing. Somehow, I have veered away from the core reason for this blog.
When I am feeling better, I am not fixated on my rough spots. It is my opportunity to forget. If I were ever to write when I am very sick, you would think my keyboard had been hijacked. Maybe, one day, I will write when I feel like I can't. Like I have said, early on in my blog, I want to be sure that others that are very sick know that I am one of them. I just do not want to hit you all over the head with incessant complaining.
Another reason, and I may have mentioned this in a previous post, is that since I have accepted my situation, I am finding it easier, emotionally, to deal with the pain and debilitation. It is very hard, but my outlook has been helping me cope much better. Mind over matter can only take you so far, but it has helped me tremendously to "deal". Every day is incredibly frustrating. I drop everything I pick up, then drop it again, and again. Considering, I was told not to bend over, it drives me crazy. When I do bend over, I have immediate symptoms that are intense.
My pain, horrible weakness, debilitating fatigue and worsening sudden muscle cramping is a daily occurrence. The cramping is especially bad around my rib cage. I was driving last night and I had the worst cramp on the left side of my ribcage, then simultaneously, another on the right side. It was hard to drive with my body so distorted and trying to work them out.
There are sudden decent spells, usually lasting no more than an hour or two. When they hit, I get immediately over confident, thinking..."could I be getting better???". You would think I would give it more than an hour or two before asking myself that crazy question. I'm a slow learner!
When I do take advantage of these good spurts, I'll go to the food store, or make a good dinner. Depending if I was really well enough to venture out, or if I stayed out too long, it is like lightening striking. My entire body starts to fail..even to the extent of causing my speech to slur. I was at a jewelry store the other day. The jeweler wanted my opinion on a new line he was considering carrying. He left me to talk with the sales rep. I really needed to get in and out, since I am a ticking time bomb when I am out and vertical. Luckily, they had stools, but I really had to get home. While I was talking to the rep, my speech was getting worse and worse, then it was hard to get the words from my brain to my mouth. It was so bad, I had to apologize to him and tell him I have neurological problems. I didn't want him to think I was drunk or on drugs....if only :)
I'm happy to report that this weekend didn't turn in to the nightmare that it could have. I really pushed myself. Although, Jimmy and I went out to dinner on Friday night...not the best idea. It was one of those cases where I suddenly dive before the entree is brought out. We were sitting in a booth, so I put my legs up on Jimmy's side and that helped a little. When I am out of the house and dive, it is like a panic situation....just horrible.
On Saturday afternoon, I met my mother at the movie theater to see my friends movie, "The Might Macs" (my new nickname for my grandson Maks :) It was a split second decision. I had to get myself together and out of the house in a matter of minutes, to make it on time.
It was a miserable rainy day. When I went to leave, I realized that Jimmy had taken my handicap minivan to Ryan's. OH NO....as much as I love to ride in his car as a passenger, driving it is a different story. It has stick shift and I am not comfortable with that. UGH - I was buck, buck, bucking every time the red light turned green. Not to mention, it was raining and I had no idea how to work the windshield wipers ...and, my crazy new progressive lens glasses...every time I turned or tilted my head the tiniest bit, my vision was blurry/clear/blurry/clear/blurry/clear....but, nothing was going to get in my way of seeing this great movie!!! As soon as it started, I had tears running down my face. I know how big of a deal this was for the Chambers family. I was so happy. It had been five years, since they filmed. Diane would call me all the time with updates from the set. It was so exciting to see "Executive Producer...John Chambers" roll at the beginning of the movie. I was filled with tears for most of this beautiful story. I knew many of the people in the movie and it was such a thrill!!!! I cannot wait for John and Diane to get back from Italy so I can gush, gush, gush!
That about did me in for Saturday. Going to the movies is very hard on me. In fact, I haven't done it in years. I really need to be in the last row, since I have to fidget and put my legs over the seat in front of me. Believe me, the hike up Mt. Everest to the last row is really hard. It is just as hard, coming down the steps. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" ....I've been waiting five years for this day! Diane said they were going to try to get me a copy of the film, so I could see it at home. I'm so happy that I saw it on the big screen!
Today, I had an unexpected visit from Chris, Danielle and my sweeties!!! There is nothing like it...so much fun! Also, I stopped at Ry & Liz's to see how the paint looked and it looks beautiful!! It is always fun to catch up in person! We are all excited for them to move in soon! If only I could have jumped in a helicopter to go see Phil on the ship :(
I want to go back to the acceptance of my daily struggles and the positive effect it has had on me. Amazingly, it took over six years...SIX YEARS to cry UNCLE! I'm not sure if there was one thing that pushed me over the edge, or if I was just tired of fighting. Each and every day, for so many years, I would wake up in total disbelief that this was happening to me. I guess I was afraid that if I admitted that "yes, this is happening to me", that there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel. In a funny, round about way, accepting it is a light at the end of tunnel...just a different tunnel. I'm hoping that everyone reading, that is also very ill, has also accepted their limitations.
Being so sick for these past years has had a positive effect on my life. I have learned so many life lessons, that I am not sure I would have ever learned. It has brought about some changes that have actually made me think that getting sick is not necessarily a bad thing. As I have these realizations, I try to be sure to pass them on. I love passing them along, so some may learn along with me, without having to get sick...
...and that is why I am writing this blog....XO
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