...and decided to blog anyway. I'd have to look over my past blogs, but I'm pretty sure I haven't come on and written when I have gone through these darker times in the past.
I have heard so many times, too many to count, how great I sound in my blog, and on the telephone. When I read over my blogs, I have to agree... they sound like they were written by someone that is not that sick...a happy-go-lucky Pollyanna. How I wish that were the real me!!!
On the phone, I sound great and not sick at all. That is because I do not pick up the phone when I am too sick for conversation....no matter who the caller. I know many of you have had phone conversations with me where I start out "normal", but eventually dive and have to hang up. Those of you that have experienced this with me have heard my breathing become labored, my vocal chords starting to go, and a loss of interest in our conversation....the last being very uncharacteristic of me! It's been that way for several years now and I'm used to not answering when I cannot. I did have one call in particular, where I was way too sick to answer. I really needed to touch base with the this extra special friend, and, against my better judgement, picked up the phone. The entire call was miserable...rather, I should say I was miserable the entire call. I felt so bad for my friend that I was talking too. It is just too much to seem like my old self, when I am that sick. I will not make that mistake again.
As I have said many times before, when I write, I write from my heart, soul and with complete honesty. That still stands true. On the other hand, I avoid writing when I feel like I did today, emotionally speaking. When I am this miserable, I don't write, because I don't want to post, woe is me, blah, blah, blah, how much can I stand?, blah, blah, blah, this is a nightmare, blah, blah, blah, don't come near me, blah, blah, blah, I need to run away/escape, blah, blah, blaaaaaaah
When I have a good spell here and there, and am feeling good emotionally, and physically up to sitting for the duration of writing the blog, I do. At those times, I am happier, more like the old me and grateful for all that I have to be grateful for....grateful and very excited that I am writing, which I enjoy so much. I am always pumped after I post on my blog. It is amazing for me to feel like I actually accomplished something. For me, blogging is a big accomplishment.
What possessed me to come on and write, with the way I have been feeling all day, I'll never know.
In thinking about it, I would have to say that I am writing this in hopes that my "usual" posts aren't misleading. I do have many, many very low points throughout each week. When they hit they feel like they are eating me alive and I absolutely hate, grit my teeth hate, it and struggle to get through it, which I eventually do. And no, no one can help.
Don't ask me why, but I felt compelled to spit this out tonight! ....hoping you all have as much accurate insight in to my life as possible...especially those that are very sick too...I'm no Pollyanna....well, at least not tonight :/
I have to admit that I cannot explain my willingness to expose myself to this degree. It must be because I cannot see any of you, and that I do not know many of my readers. It's just me, writing a diary on a virtual piece of paper.
Before I took my three month break, I was also posting on my alternate blog. That blog is intended for those that are very sick, or have had insurmountable obstacles to deal with. Preferably, not for my family. In some cases, it is best they do not know my heavier issues. It wouldn't serve a purpose, other than to upset them. There is more than enough information and insight in this blog for them to really get it, which they do. Since I came back to the blog the end of September, I haven't written on that site. I expect that I will be posting on there soon. I'll let you know when I am back to that additional blog again. Like before, anyone interested in the link for that blog, you can write to me and I will send it along.
On a lighter, happier note, I had a special song with my sensitive, sweetheart grandson, Brayden two years ago.....Viva la Vida...it just played on my playlist and that always tugs at my heartstrings...and tear ducts... I DO love our special moments. XO..that's to be a direct hit for my sweetie, Brayden...
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