Yadda, Yadda, Yadda....

I sat at the computer a few minutes ago, not expecting to "blog", but thought..why not?  Every time I write, I really have nothing to say.  Today is just another of the same, same and more of the same.

It was a heavy day for me physically and cognitively, which is my normal.  I did go out on the limb and exert energy mid afternoon - when will I learn?  I'm sure it is my refusal to accept this situation (ouch...eewww I said it again ), make that my condition.


If I feel like I might be able to pull something off, I always go for it.  These times are few and far between, but I feel like "maybe this time" - oy, sounds like Liza!  I'm obviously not a "wizah Liza".  I shoulda', woulda', coulda'..did I say shoulda'?.. stayed home.  There were a few things I wanted to pick up at the food store and thought I could go and come back before my body realized I left.  My body is too "wizah" - I get caught every time.

Honestly, I throw myself out there each and every time I think I might be up to being vertical for a while, going to the store w/o my power wheelchair, cooking when it is a bad day.  No pun intended, well maybe a little, but it is so hard to take this lying down.  I've mentioned to family and friends over the years, I feel like I am part of a science experiment. Kind of like a Twilight Zone episode - when is it going to end??????....I'm ready for the credits to roll....God knows I have been hearing the Twilight Zone music long enough.

Because of my energy "expenditure", I had one of those episodes where I have a matter of minutes to get in bed before I completely pass out.  The feeling is exactly the same as when an anesthesiologist injects the sedative in to the IV, just prior to surgery.  I know this will sound crazy, but I love it.  I drop dead asleep and it is a several hour escape.  The fewer waking hours, the better! Every time I have one of these episodes, it directly correlates with physical exertion from a few hours earlier.  If I stay on my back, as I should, these spells wouldn't happen.

For some reason, I have been having a harder time walking a distance farther than the handicapped parking spot, to the front door of a store.  My legs get heavier and heavier and so hard to put one foot in front of the other.  At the same time, it is more and more difficult to breathe.  

When I go to the food store, I use their negative mile per hour scooters ~not that their zero speed prevents accidents!   (I have some friends that wish that is all I ever drove :) )   (ADD Alert - I remember when Phil was a teenager, he got in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him sitting there with a hard hat on - so funny) If I go to a store that doesn't have scooters, I bring my power chair.  That is a horse of a different color...what color was Secretariat??? - I speed through the store  - my hair blows like Jennifer Lopez's in one of her music videos...well, that's really a deceptive visual!!

On Friday, I had to take it to Toys 'R Us to buy my granddaughter's birthday present.  It had been a while since I took it out myself and I was really anxious.  The ramp that slides out the side of the van is narrow, compared to the width of the chair. I get nervous driving it up and down the ramp.  The chair is intense, weighing 350 lbs and it reclines (I need that for my autonomic issue when I have to be on my back immediately).

The store was empty, which was perfect.  I found what I was looking for - great!  For a few minutes, I enjoyed being in the chair, not hearing the ticking time bomb inside of me that I would crumble soon, then I started getting really sick  ;(  ...anyway, I had to get a guy to help get the gift up to the register and get home ASAP. (ADD alert - after I paid the cashier, I wasn't looking where I was going and ran over a little boys foot with this monster chair!!!  I said "OOOhhh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry", as he was limping away from me as fast as possible saying he was okay - unfortunately, that was a classic "me" moment. I can't tell you how many people have limped away from me over the years, saying they were okay!!!)   So, lucky for me the store is right at our corner.  Regardless, I still ended the day having accomplished something - YAY!  These days are rare, but I I'll take what I can get.

Even though I hate waking up every day, and having to face another, there are still some bright points.  Writing this blog is definitely one of them.  Letters from my sweet friends is another.  My mother brought over a delicious pot of soup today - that was great.  Of course, I had to get in my "The Thinker" mode to watch the finale of "The Bachelor" - smart, smart TV :)  If anyone watched it, and saw Emily, you'll know why I now want to take lessons to become a southern belle ~ sweet..I mean sweet-tea-sweet, beautiful, overly feminine, and an INDOOR voice...I have a feeling Jimmy would be happy to pay for the lessons :)...for the indoor voice alone~ aaahh, men would throw their jackets over puddles, before I drive over them with the wheelchair...a girl can dream!..I'm sure y'all understand!

It is now 1:00 am, so tomorrow is my angel faced Gabriella's second birthday. Her birthday party (my March entertainment, over the top exciting day) has been postponed from last weekend to this coming weekend.  Aside from that, I am hoping that I can stop over for a short time tomorrow, to giver her big fat kisses on her actual birthday.  I'll pay, but this is a case where it is definitely worth it!   The real question, is if I can actually leave the house...to be, or not to be, that is my daily question. I have a lot of kisses stored up and ready to go!  If I am well enough to stop over on Wednesday, believe me, you will ALL hear about it....I'll be SO full of myself!!  ...and hopefully take a new birthday girl picture to post, since this is Gabby's pink birthday month on my blog.

Okay, I'm outta' here...as you were....

PS ~  Happy, Happy Birthday To My Sweet Friend and Yiddish Tutor...Dina Ellen ~ Mozel Tov and bottoms up with that twenty year old bottle of Asti...chug, chug, chug! XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOX