Excuse the "Barbie" pink...

...but, my beautiful, brilliant, pig-tailed granddaughter Gabriella (notice that it rhymes with Cinderella?) is turning two this month.  For the month of March, this blog is for my babydoll :)  So incredible to have a princess amongst our family of boys. 

At this point, it would be yesterday that I went to visit my sweeties.  Danielle, my daughter-in-law, has been enticing me with flip video, after flip video of Brayden, Gabby and Maks....which reminds me I need to Windex off my lip marks all over my monitor screen ~ kiss, kiss, kiss!

I couldn't take the pressure another day.  Today, I felt that I was up to the fifteen minute ride to their house, to spend a short time with them.  I just HAD to see their faces....which, I suppose should be Windexed too!

Knowing that it is very hard on me physically, between the car ride and the sheer excitement of seeing them, I decided to go for it anyway.  My intention was to stay for half an hour and leave before "it hit".

When I walked up to the front door, Gabby was at the dining room window waving at me and her face was glowing - so excited to see me, excited  like her "Mimi"!  Charlie Sheen has NO idea what it feels like to be a rock star.  Seeing how happy she was to see me makes me completely melt and feel like a rock star :)   I think I will buy Gabby a lighter for her second birthday, so she can wave it in the air as she is saying hi and good bye at the dining room window ~ rock on!

My parents were there babysitting.(Thanks for the ham and cabbage mom - diabetes friendly & gluten free - it was really good.)  I went in, took it slow and sat on the sofa.  I wasn't there long before Danielle came in and my parents left.  It is always fun when we get a chance to chit chat and get caught up on all the crazy things we talk about - so much fun!  Unfortunately, it was too much fun.  The party was over too fast and I had to get out of the house and  home in bed ASAP. When I left, I couldn't take the time or the energy to lean over and give kisses and hugs - that hurt my heart...another symptom???

On a side note (surprise, surprise!), I have been having a new symptom over the past several months.  It has only happened approximately six times.  Each time it directly correlates with an earlier activity, by an hour or two.  It is hard to describe.  What happens is that I hit rock bottom.  Nothing new, it happens.   More recently, it is accompanied with an immediate need to be in bed, because I feel like I am going to black out.  It is not like I am going to faint or just go in to bed to take a nap.  I have, what seems like a minute or two to get in bed, then the next thing I know, it is a few hours later. When I am at this low level, my vocal cords are affected where my voice cracks and goes up and down.  That is just a little "...and I mean it!" from my body. Not all of my "rock bottoms" end with this symptom, but hoping this isn't going to become a permanent fixture.

Okay, back on track.  Around two hours after coming home from seeing the kiddies, that is what happened.  I was sitting at the kitchen table with Jimmy, eating dinner and I could feel it coming on. I got to my bedroom, closed the door, collapsed in to bed at 6:30, then before I knew it, I woke up at 9:30.  I need to tell my neurologist and immunologist about this, but I'm not in a rush.  Even though I can sleep through the night, sometimes until very late, I can never take naps during the day.  Once I am awake, no matter how sick, I just cannot do it.  That is one of the reasons this sudden onset of symptoms and need to collapse and immediately sleep is so unusual.

Without question, the visit was worth the price I had to pay.  Nonetheless, it is disturbing.  I am so fortunate to have them living so close to home, but unable to take advantage of this gift is upsetting.  I would give the world to go over, pick up the kids, take them to the park, bring them home with me, make them lunch and play some more.  I want to physically interact with them.  In my head, that is where I should be.  Brayden, Gabby and Maks do not know who I could/should be, since I am disguised as a sick person. As time goes by, I feel like I am becoming more like a piece of furniture and blending in to the scenery, in their eyes.

A few years ago, Jimmy would sometimes pick up Brayden, take him to the park, then back to our house for lunch.  When I would hear them come in, I made my way out to the kitchen and sat at the table with Brayden while he ate his lunch.  All the while, I would be singing his (then) favorite songs, like Yankee Doodle.  I would sing and be overly animated  (yes...me).  He would start laughing then that would encourage me to get more animated and he would laugh even more and...you get the picture.  Before I knew it, I was drenched in sweat and had to take baby steps back to bed.  I remember being so disgusted back then...that I could get that sick just from singing and making faces.   Now I wish I could be animated.  I can't even try a little, I am such a DUD!!!  The kids would love playing with the real me, but not as much as I would.  More than anything I could possibly wish for, it would be to have those special times with them.....not to mention, Danielle really could use a break!!!....I think this is her wish too :)

As sick as I became, I can't help but smile when I think of their beautiful faces today.  I'm happy I did what I shouldn't have done!!

My psychologist recommends spending time with one at a time.  That is like Sophie's choice :(  The thought sickens me.  I have to admit, if just one were here with us, I could quietly play (no animation...WHAT??), and maybe not have to pay so dearly.  Obviously, Jimmy is THE babysitter, I would be back and forth to bed and enjoying the snuggles on the sofa, watching Disney movies...ooooohhhh so cozy!  Still, I would rather them  see "Mimi" climbing monkey bars and going down the sliding board., head first of course!!  I would first have to teach them how to dial 911!

I believe in miracles, not so sure I'm a candidate, but you never know...