I've been in Funkytown...

I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed writing this blog.  The reason I began, I think, was to find a purpose, a reason for me to be alive (again - not suicidal...ever).  It is awful feeling like I merely exist. I would love to trick myself in to thinking there is more to my life than that, but there really isn't.

Each day is like the one before and the one to follow.  I am so limited physically. It feels like I have been committed to solitary confinement - with a kitchen...and an appetite...more about that down the road!  There are no words to describe the isolation.  Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about it.  I am not up to company, and certainly not up to anything that would be demanding on me physically or mentally.  Not to sound morose, but I feel like I am living in a space between life and death - very surreal.  It is because I have been in this "Funkytown" that I have held off on writing the past few days.

It is hard to believe that it has been six years and I still find that I am in absolute shock and denial that this is happening.   In a recent visit with my therapist,  we discussed the seven stages of grief.  In my case, it would pertain to grieving the loss of me.  It alarmed me when I realized that I am still at the starting gate.

It is ironic, because I have been patting myself on the back for taking it in stride, all these years.  I've never asked "why me?", there are millions of people in this world that would gladly switch places with me. I have always been grateful that this didn't hit when my kids were young.  I thought my head was in a healthy place. Now, it is hitting me in the face that I have been in denial all this time.  UGH!!!  You would think I would have worked it out by now. 

Once again, it took me this long to get to my point!   It is horribly disturbing to realize that I can't accept something that is here to stay. It has been a few weeks since I began blogging.  At this point, I am still not sure what it will accomplish, if anything.  For whatever reason, I do feel good about it.  In a way, that is a huge milestone for me....really huge. So, I guess it has accomplished something that is good.

All in all, I do love writing.  Hopefully, it will help me to evolve to a healthy acceptance of my situation....not "the" Situation - I think I can actually say that I prefer my situation over his. :)....dry heave....

I apologize if this gets heavy (again, more on that in a few...), but as I have said before, I think it is important for any very ill people that might be reading this.  The thought of touching someone who is going through the exact same thing as me, would be incredibly rewarding.  In the meantime, I'll risk sharing TMI, in the hopes of connecting with someone that needs a rope to grab on to.  Speaking for myself, I would love to be in touch with someone in my exact, or very similar, position (I just couldn't say "situation" again!) 

Enough about that.....the BIG news is that my social calendar for the month of March is full!  My granddaughter's second birthday party is on 3/13.  (for me, that will do it for the month ).  I just finished watching "The Real Housewives of Miami".  It made me realize that I have to get my act together for my social engagement of the month.  Maybe some orange spray tan, a little collagen in my lips, some "yella" hair extensions, stilettos, etc.  ....I have to stay on that flabulous train.....which brings me to my latest four letter word ~ diet....

On Thursday, Jimmy and I will be meeting with my endocrinologist's nutritionist.  I have a list of questions for her.  My doctor said she will implement the gluten free aspect to the diabetes diet.  So far,  I have been more concerned with eating within the guidelines of the diet, than portion control - that's a problem!  I am gradually working this new way of eating in to my life, now I just have to tackle the portions. If only I could exercise, I wouldn't be in this position.  I DREAM of power walking again, DREAM, DREAM, DREAM!!!!

By the way, my endocrinologist said that my A1C went from 7.5 to 8.5, since 10/09.  Also, my glucose number went up from the mid 100's to the mid 200's.  I can't say that I was surprised. I don't have a severe case of diabetes, but definitely HAVE to hit stop and reverse.

Back in November, my UM neuro ordered a ton of blood work.  In the results, he saw that I have Hashimoto's.  Hashimoto's is yet another autoimmune disease for me.  Once you have one, it is very common for others to jump on board.  Anyway, the Hashimoto's disease gradually kills off the thyroid gland.  When I was tested in November, my thyroid had not been affected.  The blood work I had  a few weeks ago, for my endocrinologist appt, shows my thyroid is now affected.  I am now taking a synthetic thyroid hormone, which I will need for the rest of my life.  It is not a big deal, especially in the scheme of all my other health issues.  There are other options for treating a dying thyroid and I am looking in to them. 

One great thing about blogging, is that I am rarely on Facebook!  FB is fine for a normal, active person.  For me, stuck in "solitary...with a refrigerator...and an appetite", I found myself checking in constantly.  I hated it, but did it anyway out of the unrelenting boredom.  In the last few weeks, I "unfriended" around thirty "kids" from Cinnaminson HS and Holy Cross.  I had no idea who these people were and couldn't care less if they were tired, happy, sad, etc.  I'm trying to get the friend list down to the people that I don't want to lose touch with, again. It feels great getting away from that!!...another positive coming out of the blog experience/experiment!

With nothing but time on my hands, it seems all I do is think, think, think and over-think everythink, I mean everything.  I can relate to "The Thinker"....but you have to picture him with a dress, "yella" extensions, spray tan, etc.  I can tell you what we "thinkers" are thinking - "I was just about to say something, but I lost it...what, what, what was it????"

Think you.... I mean thank you for reading my nonsense...