Last Friday night was so exciting...but, I've been a little conflicted between being happy that I had the "moment" and being discouraged that it was so short lived. In the end, it really didn't take too long for me to come to the realization that I really am happy that I actually escaped from the Coral Springs Correctional/Psychiatric Facility, put on make-up...and yes, even flat ironed my hair. I'm also happy that I didn't get seashell earrings or a tattoo :)...the Keys really makes you come out of your sea shell. I think we left just in time!
Friday night was short lived, but I can't stop thinking about it. It has been years since I had a night even remotely like that. Usually, we go out to eat in our very immediate area, within three or four miles, and we have to get in and out. Sometimes, that is still not fast enough with my old ticking time bomb body.
I have a beautiful picture of the Islamorada sunset as the wallpaper on my phone ~ so I see that a zillion times a day. AGAIN, with the making a short story long, in the end, I feel confident that there will be another trip to the Keys for dinner. No rush, whenever it happens, it happens. Surprisingly, the thought of going again scares me more than excites me. I can't imagine lightening striking twice, but you never know.
With the exception of Saturday, I didn't physically pay for the getaway. That is about as shocking as the fact that I went. Usually, any out of the ordinary physical exertion would take its additional toll for several days. Yay, no toll collector...I hate that guy! The minute we got home, I returned to my usual "lockdown" and have pretty much maintained that same 'ol, same 'ol.
Yesterday, I felt well enough to go to Lowes, which is less than a mile from our house. They have the WORST scooters. I got on the first one and it barely moved. I had to back it up, with that embarrassing BEEP BEEP BEEP - UGH!!! I got on the next one and, by comparison, it was like a snail on Red Bull...escarGOt?? Not quite! I think they amped up the horse power..sea horse power, that is. I can't tell you how much I hate using those things. Every once in a while, I'll go to the food store and just grab a cart. It is ALWAYS a mistake.
As I have said in prior posts, I have a lot of weight to lose. I am dying to get out and power walk or exercise. It is so frustrating to want to unzip this horrible body and step out and return to living. I want out of this shell. There are endless weight loss shows on TV and a large part of their success relies on physical activity. I guess I am going off on a tangent. One of these days I hope to write that something clicked and that I.....well, I had my jaw wired shut. From Jimmy's perspective, I would be hitting two birds...
...speaking of, on the way home from the Keys on Friday, I was talking non-stop...uh huh... Every once in a while, I would come up for air and ask Jimmy, "what do you think?", "you know what I mean?"....things like that. EVERY TIME, he said "what..what??", like I just woke him up...and he was driving. Is it me or him?!?!? Don't answer that!
One thing I wanted to mention is that I am really surprised at the number of pageviews this blog has had. I know a handful of people that are reading, but
they aren't checking in that often! Since I started, I received two comments from people that I don't know, which was exciting. I wish I could see all that are checking in and know the background stories of the ones I do not know.
I've mentioned before that I haven't accepted my situation. My life is pretty much divided in two... before I got sick and after I got sick. Two different lives, two different people. In my head, I am "so" before. In reality it is like I am still straddling the line, even though I am firmly six years in to the "after".... maybe if the scooters were faster, I would cross over that line. I have said that I do not have hope regarding my medical issues. The progression has been steady and sure for too long. With my reluctance to "cross the line", I wonder if subconsciously I do have hope and I am just digging my heals in...a work in progress.
Another way to explain it, although kind of morbid, is when you hear of a spirit that is stuck here on earth and can't pass on. The person is obviously dead and has been for years, but they are caught between two worlds. That is pretty much the way I feel. What is real is not the same thing as what I can comprehend, or willing to comprehend.
Every single night, I think of what I will try to do the following day..and I mean EVERY night. Then, the following day, I'm unable to do a thing. You would think I would get it...I feel like this is a blond joke! I don't know, maybe the hopeful thoughts and wishful thinking of doing something the next day keeps me from getting too depressed. I'll go with that for now :)
I'll say tonight's (same every night) wish out loud - tomorrow I hope to see my precious grandchildren's faces....that is something more beautiful than the Keys sunset XO
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