Didn't expect to be back so soon....

As usual, I was just "horizontal" watching TV.  And, as usual, I settled on a show that I really wasn't interested in ~ not much to pick from on a Sunday afternoon.

I hope I can articulate what I want to say, so that you understand..not sure that I can.

The show I landed on was on Oprah's new network.  I'm not positive what it is called - something like Oprah's Classics.  This show highlights different celebrities that are very accomplished in their field.  I know she had Jay Z, Maya Angelou and Diane Sawyer, on previous episodes.  The show is more or less an abbreviated biography.


Flipping through the channels today, I noticed that today's episode was on Oprah herself.  I was not overly interested, but it was either that or buy flowers off of QVC!


I'll explain what she said that made me get out of bed and write...so soon after my last post.


For me, one of my biggest emotional struggles has been that I felt that there was no longer a purpose for me here on earth.  For the past few years, I have wrestled with this and always came up empty handed.  There REALLY is no purpose for me???...could that be true??  There MUST be something, even the tiniest thing, but I could not think of a thing....NOTHING.  Before I got sick, there were many days when I wished I did NOT have a purpose.  It's true .. be careful what you wish for!


I'm not going to weigh you all down with the reasons I feel/felt that way, because it is heavy.  If anyone is dealing with this same issue, please e-mail me and we can talk about the nitty-gritty.


I know, I know, it is taking FOREVER for me to get to the point....I don't know any other way.  Is there such a thing as "from point A to point B"???? I think I am going to round the corner of "A" a few times before I get to "B"...sorry!


This is a topic I have discussed with my therapist and she did all she could to convince me that I absolutely have a purpose, but I wasn't convinced. My son Ryan did the same.  Ryan also said that everyone in the world could tell me how much I mean to them, but it would not mean a thing until I come to that realization on my own.


Okay, back to Oprah.  She was talking about her sad childhood.  Her rape at nine years old and molestation until she was fourteen.  At fourteen she became pregnant.  She was going through a living hell, since no one in her family wanted her since the day she was born.  Oprah lived with her grandmother until she was six.  At that time, her grandmother shipped her off from Mississippi to Wisconsin to live with her mother again. Her mother was a housekeeper and the homeowner made Oprah sleep on the porch, yet her lighter skinned half sister got to sleep inside.  At age fourteen her mother shipped her off to live with her father.


She didn't specifically say if the pregnancy was a result of the molestation or not.   As it turned out, the baby died and she delivered a stillborn baby boy.


Oprah said that she felt no connection with her unborn baby. She was living in a state of fear, with no place to turn...that she knew of. At that point, she knew how her parents felt about her. Keep in mind that her parents didn't want her and had no emotional connection to her at all. 


So, this is what Oprah said that made me get out of bed.  She said something to the effect that people don't realize how lucky they are to be born to a family, a person, someone, anyone that loves them and wants them in this world....people that are happy the day this new life is born.  Oprah wasn't fortunate enough to have been put up for adoption, to live a life with a loving, caring family.  Her parents didn't even care enough to do that for her.  There was NOT a soul on earth that wanted Oprah on it. Could you imagine living with that knowledge at such a young age??? 


When I thought about what Oprah said, I realized that family and friends really do not have expectations of your "purpose" when you are born, or even as an adult. Their expectations are much more basic.  They are simply thrilled that you are in their lives. Your "purpose" is an expectation that you put on yourself. It is different from person to person, and changes through the course of your life.  Before I was sick, I never gave a seconds thought to my "purpose"...I was too busy.  It wasn't until I felt completely useless, in my mind, to anyone/everyone, that these thoughts started creeping in.


It may sound trite, but she did make me stop and think beyond my feelings of not having a "purpose".  Since getting sick, I felt that having a purpose meant being physically available for my family and friends.  For the first time, since I have been dealing with this issue, I feel like the fact that I am here on this earth is enough...and I don't have to be physically available to matter. My friends and family couldn't possibly have made that more clear, but I didn't see it. (Ryan ~ you were so right...the apple falls far from the tree) I hope I am making sense.  What I am trying to say is crystal clear to me, but not sure I am getting the point across.


This is one of the many emotional hurdles that I have had to deal with, being ill.  I can't believe I am saying this, but I can now cross the "purpose" hurdle off of my list!!  This has been such a  heavy issue for too, too long.  Over...Done....Next...YAY!


Some of you may not get what I am saying.  However, I know others in my position will ~ so this is for my fellow sickies.....XO

Just looked up the show.. it is Oprah Presents Master Class.