I am surprised to be writing at almost 4:00 am tonight, since I am so exhausted. I have three different sleep disorders, due to my autonomic nervous system issues, but it is so frustrating to be awake and tired at the same time. I've mentioned this before, but I hate being sentenced to night after night in this black and silent house. It is too heavy....ENOUGH!
Anyway, I was watching "Brothers & Sisters" tonight. I don't know if any of you watch it. For those who don't, it is a prime time soap opera. The same soap "operish" type dilemmas, that you would find in any corny daytime soap. The silliest thing triggered emotional feelings in me tonight. It doesn't take much to trigger this emotional, anxious nut. Being emotional and anxious go hand in hand with neurological problems...just what I need.
At the end of the episode, Sally Field was making a change in her life. Again, no big deal, she had been widowed for years and decided to fall in love. SO WHAT??...to normal people.
For me, I saw that she took the option to make a major change in her life, and go off the tracks in a new direction. I know this sounds like such a crazy twist , but I thought about being in the position I am in, and not having the option to change my life. I would love to be Sally Field and make a conscious decision to take another path. Why would I take this simple show and translate it to my problems????...such a wild imagination and insane stretch.
I want this to be over, dust myself off and get the show on the road...as if I have the option. I want control of what is happening to me, plain and simple. Obviously, I am still light years away from acceptance. To be honest, I am scared of acceptance. Would it be harder or easier than keeping my head in the sand??????? I'm afraid to take that leap, if I even could.
I have talked about my pending doctors appointments, especially those concerning my cardiac issue. As of now, I am canceling all of my appointments. With each doctor contradicting the one before, I am losing trust and confidence with all my doctors. Going to so many appointments in Miami is physically exhausting, which ultimately wears me down emotionally. I am putting everything on hold indefinitely. No doctors...period. Well I guess I can say that I took control of something ... big deal.
I need Mr. Sandman to "Send Me a Dream, Anderson Cooper" and while he is at it, he can bring me a bucket of sand to put my head in to (preferably Naples, FL sand ~ it's like baby powder)....I think that would just about do it for now.
Sorry that I'm not exactly making sand angels in the sand today, but I am ready for this to be over. I want my life back....all of it.
Ooooh what a whiner ~ especially with so many out there in much worse shape than me.....I apologize for being such a "beach". I wish I could be "bigger" than how I am portraying myself in this post, but it is important to me that I am always honest. With luck, this spell will pass. I understand the phase I am in now is unreasonable....but, it is no less real.
It is about time to take control again and call 411 for Mr. Sandman's number. Since he has been around for years, I assume he is pretty good. Ring..Ring..."Mister Saaandmaaan????....YYYEEEEESSSS" (again for the seniors)
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