Escape From Alcatraz....

...I need to see that movie again, and take some notes.  If they can do it, so can I.  I can't escape that I need to escape.  Looks like I need to get back to the drawing board.  There has to be a way that I can pick up and ...as I said too many times, not look back.  I was hoping the dinner in Deerfield Beach last Thursday would suffice, but the emotional relief (as amazing... awesomest... as it was) was short lived.  I doubt we'll do it, but if the conditions are perfect, maybe we will go back to the beach lounge chairs again tonight or tommorow.  The need to run away is overwhelming.. ...I know it is for many these days, ...I'm not alone.

The real truth is that I have to face facts and get over myself.  Just like Prissy, the maid, in "Gone With The Wind" ~   "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no baby"...SMACK! I need to smacked in to reality..in fact "beat the hell out of" in to reality. I'm sure if Christoper Reeve were still alive, he would have a more positive blog than mine has been lately...so what's the deal with me???? ...another reason to feel guilty.

My head is spinning regarding my many doctor appointments.  For the past few years, I wondered what would happen when I got too sick to make it to them.  It is becoming obvious to me that I am inching closer and closer to that day.  In the meantime, I can still go, but it is not easy.  Over the past several months, I have had countless canceled doctor appointments.  As the day approaches, I begin to weigh and measure the pro's and con's.  In most cases, I opt to cancel, with the intention to reschedule.  I can see a pattern forming.  To be honest, I'm not sure if the appointments cause me to physically suffer more these days, or if I just know what to expect and decide that I've had enough.  The fact that my doctors often contradict each other makes the decision a little easier.

At this point, I have canceled my May appointments.  I have a few in June and July that I can't, or at least shouldn't, cancel.  It is time for me to really pull myself together to make as many as possible.  I have to take it an appointment at a time...but I always have.

In my last post, I mentioned that I was going to call my cardiologist - didn't do it.  I will get to it soon.  As stupid and ridiculous as this sounds, I am waiting for one more episode before calling...anything to prolong the inevitable visit,  testing and follow-up visit.  I'm too tired to deal with it.

I've noticed that my blog entries have been taking a different tone lately.  It isn't my intention to be so heavy and clinical in what I write.  Believe me, it is so much more fun to write about nonsense.  In these boring posts, I really do feel like I am writing to myself, in a journal and wasting the time of everyone reading.  Unfortunately, I can't write what I don't feel, and only write what I do.

Something crazy is going to happen and I'll be back on, sitting on the edge of my seat, telling you all..."wait 'till you hear this...."  I look forward to coming back with a better balance of fun/reality.

I have an "awesomest" moment for today....I want to wish a big, beautiful Happy Birthday to my sweet niece, Dr. Keli Steuber...Woo Hoo!  Happy Birthday 30th Kel...I hope all of your birthday wishes come true...XOXO