You guys you....

Again, I am so touched by your responses on here as well as private e-mails. The shock that I am feeling, is proof that I must not have thought anyone would actually read, or follow this.  I am in shock!  Although, I am not so shocked that I am speechless :)    I am flabbergasted - with the emphasis on flab...but that's another story and my A.D.D. jumping in!  As with all A.D.D. conversations, we will probably come full circle by the end of this post :)

My first blog was a six days ago and I have to tell you that I love it.  (*A.D.D. ALERT* Carole, remember Molly Shannon on SNL "I love it, I love it, I love it" well that's what and how I'm saying it, minus the bending my knee around the back of my neck part!!).  I know what you are all thinking...and you are probably right...the blog enables me to NEVER stop talking...

I am pretty sure that I previously posted an entry that, up until six days ago, I had nothing to do but watch mindless TV (except for the Bachelor and the "Real" housewives :)   ). I would spend every waking moment trying to think, think, think of a "purpose"...my purpose. It amazed me that there was none....how could anyone be that sick?  How could I be that sick???  How could something so unacceptable be a fact??I have been doing this for so long now, it has almost become a new symptom. Not singing the blues, it is what it is (Erica!).

Now that I am blogging, I spend my time thinking about what to write.  Still not sure what "purpose" it serves, but I know that it feels like an enormous, emotional weight has been lifted.  Needless to say, I would much prefer not to be blogging , but rather working, volunteering with hospice, babysitting (that's really #1!) power walking 100 mph, like before this nightmare hit, but it fills a huge, vacuous void in my gut....which brings me back to the flab situation....

I am mentally preparing myself for a major smack down (not sure what that is, but it sounds right!)  from my endocrinologist next Monday.  It was October, 2009 that I was diagnosed with diabetes.  With all my health issues, I am forever having blood work done.  Because of that,  my diagnosis came the minute it was official.  Luckily, my numbers were on the very low end of above normal.  Since then, I have not been taking my medication as directed.  Not because I don't want to - I just never, EVER remember.  I am supposed to take it twice a day, with meals.  Jimmy has actually put it on my dinner dish, only for me to mindlessly take it off, put the food on my dish, eat dinner and realize that I forgot to take it....who does that??? I am supposed to take it before meals.  I am hoping the doctor tells me that it is just as effective after.  For some reason, once I am full, I think "I could have had a V-8"...no, no, no, "I mean I should have had my Metformin"...however, it is that head smacking type of moment. (ADD ALERT - Oprah has her AHA moments - mine are all head smacking,) Along with not being vigilant with my Metformin, I have not been eating as a diabetic.  OY - I  just know the numbers will be higher (blood work & scale) than October of 2009.

Back to being flabulous....living  horizontal, has certainly contributed to my ridiculous weight gain, since this all began six years ago.  You don't have to be Einschteeeeen to know that exercise is only part of the equation.  Obviously, I do have control over what I put in my mouth.  My excuse, and I know it is lame, is that I am so, out of my mind, bored every day.  You all know me - I never sat still - this is pure torture...six long years of being cow tied.   Another complicating factor is that I absolutely love watching Top Chef (so excited that Anthony Bordain is a semi-permanent judge this season...cough, cough, A.D.D. ALERT, cough, cough...Ryan just met him, had his book signed and "Tony" wrote me a love letter on his photograph...actually it just said Cathy...then his signature, but I could read between the lines!), several shows on the Food Network and Cooking Channel.  I have always loved cooking and am so intrigued by the creativity and talent on some of these shows.  I think they have suckers like me in mind, when the meal is complete and the chef/cook is bringing the fork up to their mouths - the camera zooms in - lighting is perfection -  the chef/cook looks like they are about to faint just from the sight of it....I think it is at this point that I faint!   You have all heard the expression that some people eat to live (my own MOTHER, you would think she would show more compassion...Anita, and all of a sudden, Jimmy is a turncoat, 'sup?...) and others live to eat.  Why, why, why do I love it so much?????  Bottom line (took a long time to get here, huh?), is that I have to get serious about losing weight and eating diabetes friendly food.  Aside from the diabetes, there are so many motivating factors.  I have tried and failed so many times.  This time I am not saying that "this is it - new lifestyle - you couldn't force a hamburger down my throat:" ....sound familiar Erica????  Rather, I am just not going to get too wound up about it, but taking it a day at a time. Being so heavy and sick looking, I am definitely not flabulous....but you can't see me and I love that :)...hey, wait a minute - I look gorgeous, yeah, you should see me - a real looker :)

I  began blogging, expecting to concentrate on my serious health condition (more to add  - not A.D.D. - on that down the road).  It is funny that I am not letting that all out, like I thought I would.  My mother - yeah, the skinny one - always tells me to stop sounding so good, because no one will believe how sick I really am.   Of course, she is kidding and doesn't want me to sound like a well person calling in sick. Usually, I can fake it if it is for a very short period of time, if I can't then I do not put myself in the situation, phone calls, etc.   On here, no one can see me typing, or having to take a break here and there before I finally finish.  This little blog experiment is evolving in to something completely different than I would have ever expected...and I think it is more healthy!

Just want to ask you all to excuse my errors in grammer, spelling, etc.  When I'm done, I AM DONE!!  Keli, I can't help but picture you cringe...I mean Dr. Steuber :)

Initially,I asked you all not to share this with anyone other than your immediate families. Now that I feel more comfortable with this blog experience, I would be honored if you decide to pass it on.

One final word for my internet g/f Shari - thank you so much for inviting me to view your blog.  Otherwise, I would still be wondering why I have to continue living. I am now living while wondering about the topic of my next blog.  You are such a precious gift! 

LOVE YOU GUYS!!!