Out of my comfort zone...

Deep breath.... okay...here I am, about to a write to a public diary.  A big scary step, but one that I am hoping will be rewarding for myself, as well as my most loved family and friends.  It seems unnatural going public, since diaries and journals are so personal and private.   My hopes with this blog, are that it will help me to finally hit the elusive "acceptance" stage of my ongoing health issues,and put everything out there for all of you guys that have been waiting for months on end to catch up.

As you all know, I have ADD, so if I start to interject hearts, flowers and XOXOXO's mid-sentence, you will all understand.   Not to mention, I am sure you are expecting my short stories to be miles long.....no, really, I do that :)

At this point, I am not going to write about the "long and winding road" that has taken me to where I am today.  My inner-circle knows enough about all of that.  If at some point I go a little more public, specifically targeting (tarjaying) those that are chronically ill, I will post a brief (that was a lie) bio. 

My insane list of ailments include, diabetes type II, Fatty (what a name) Liver disease, Barretts Esophagus, Hashimoto's Disease, Bi-Cuspid Aortic Valve with Aortic Aneurysm, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (an autonomic nervous system disorder) and I am sure that I am forgetting a thing or two...or three.

I am seeing a new neurologist and immunologist at UM.  The immunologist, Dr. Irma Rey, is extremely bright and works along with Dr. Nancy Klimas.   It appears that I have at least five active viruses that have become a permanent part of my DNA, living in my cells.   Dr. Rey has me on extensive supplements as well as a strong anti-viral medication.  Since I have been so sick, for such a long time, Dr. Rey isn't making any promises.  For the time being, I am going with the flow to see if there might be the slightest improvement.


Unfortunately, the autonomic nervous system issue I have is now a complicating factor with my aneurysm - not good.  When I am vertical too long, which could be minutes or an hour or two (in a chair), my blood pressure and heart rate will jump at least thirty points.  The elevated blood pressure causes stress on my valve and more importantly, the aneurysm.  My cardiologist, Dr. Fromkin, is keeping a close eye on this.  I think you all know the ins and outs of this mess, so I'll skip all the details.


Well, typical me ending up writing a bit of a bio in the end.


My wonderful internet girlfriend, Shari, began a blog several months ago.  There are so many days when I want to call and see how she is feeling, but I am just not up to it myself.  In checking on her blog, I was able to see exactly how she has been doing, her activity level, how her new medications are working, etc.  Not to mention, I found it uplifting.  Although she has her bad days, it was nice to read about days that she was productive.  Being chronically ill, I can tell you there is nothing more wonderful than having a productive day.  In my case, that can simply mean that I made an easy to fix dinner, or had a wonderful phone call with a great friend, without suffering when hanging up.  


I have been trying to find a reason for me to be alive.  Do not confuse this with suicidal thoughts, because that is not an option.  Nonetheless, I lie in bed for hours on end, day after day and just cannot find a purpose for me to be here.  Spending time with my amazing, supportive family and precious grandchildren has become almost unbearable physically.  I put on a brave front and manage to rally, to a certain extent, but the price is getting to be too much.  When I put on the brave front, it is not for the benefit of others, it is really more for me to squeeze every single second out of our time, before having to retreat in to the bedroom.


As I should have known, this first entry is much longer than I expected.  In the future, I plan on giving a glimpse in to my daily life, so it shouldn't (another lie) be so long again.  Physically, I will not be up to posting on a regular basis and will take it a day at a time. Here comes the ADD  XOXO <3 <3 <3...thank you for listening!