Day Two - Woo Hoo!

Last night I didn't get to sleep until approximately 4:00 am and slept until 2:00.  I haven't been doing well, and knew that I needed today to do nothing at all and get as much rest as possible.  As you guys know, I never, EVER pick up the phone and call anyone.  Believe me, it isn't that I don't think of you all, all of the time.  Isolating myself from my family and friends is hard to describe - it is the most horrible, lonely feeling.  I have a new found respect and compassion for the poor old Maytag repairman!

When I am at my worst, I just don't have the mental strength to hold on to conversations.  Another pitfall of phone calls, when I am at my worst, is that I am extremely miserable and it really shines through - not a person anyone would want to be stuck with on the phone. I avoid talking to anyone, at all costs, when I feel that low and edgy.    When I do make the rare phone calls, I have to be feeling well and clear headed, before I dial, I take a deep breath....then I don't come up for air for hours...imagine that!  Sometimes it is a really big mistake and the price I pay is hard, other times, I can get through the call without being affected.  Times like that I feel like Rocky at the top of the Art Museum steps!  Also, during those great calls I feel like my old self and if feels so good ~ like a dream.

Today, wasn't the best of days, but I made an exception on my "making a call criteria".  I made the exception because Ceal had a recent death in her extended family and they have been heavy on my mind.  I called Ceal and we talked for FOUR hours!!!  It has been so ridiculously long since we spoke.  At the end of the call, Ceal said that we didn't scratch the surface....she was right.  Since we hung up, I have thought of so many more things I wanted to talk about...I know that doesn't sound like me does it?????  Obviously, I was diving by the end of the call and had to get off.  

Initially, I was very sick, but shockingly ended up making an easy dinner.  I think I was still flying high from the adrenaline rush of my "visit" with Ceal - so much fun!!!  I hope I remember to look back at this journal entry on the days that I have endless tears.  This will remind me that there are still snippets (a four hour snippet!!) of time that are priceless gifts.  It is easy to forget such times, when my body and brain are destroyed..   I am hoping to call my internet friend, Shari tomorrow. You all have heard me speak of her. It is amazing what great friends we have become, considering we met on the MS message boards five years ago. Fingers crossed, that Shari is really who she says she is!!!  If not, I have been wasting my cerebral, high brow conversations with an internet loon!

Lately, I have been having to eat dinner in bed, which is a pain.  I have said that I am the only person I know with spaghetti sauce stains on my sheets....anyone else????  I didn't think so :)  If I am able to make dinner, it has to be something super easy, with minimal standing time.  Once I get through that, it is too difficult to sit at the table to eat.  If I did, my blood pressure would go through the roof and my body would crumble.  I can easily tell if it is safe to eat at the table or not. It is hard eating in bed, since I really need to be as horizontal as possible.

Because of the really, really fun call with Ceal and making dinner, it was a two Vicodin night.  I am extremely conservative with Vicodin.  It is like holding your breath for as long as you can, before you gasp for breath.  By the time I decide that the pain medication is a must, I have been in pain for hours.  I don't "pop" them as often as I really need, for obvious reasons.

It is now 12:15 am and I am going to see if I have luck getting to sleep tonight....Ceal wore me out today!! Thanks Ceal XOXO