This is a tough one...

If my psychologist, Dr. Wonderful, were here right now, she would tell me to stop what I am doing and get back to bed.  Oh - I am so upset!!  I have been really sick since Wednesday afternoon and unable to post a new blog.  I am not any better, but wanted to come on for a few minutes to talk about a few things.  A mile down the letter, you'll find the reason I am really pushing myself to write today.  I am so upset because I finished writing and somehow, inexplicably, deleted it.  I was using spell check and when I clicked on a misspelled word, the page went blank.  Well, this could be your lucky day, because I will probably not be as long winded - ouch - it hurts when your nose grows...no lie!

I hope I can remember what I said - hold on a second......

Basically, I was explaining the effects of the blog on me physically.  I have been warned by my neurologists not to exert energy and to eliminate both good and bad stress.  Obviously, we can only control the stress factor to a certain extent - things happen.  The excitement of writing the blog, as well as the beautiful, encouraging e-mails and comments I have received, caused me to ride "the wave" for an entire week - shout out to Ron Jon!  Unfortunately this isn't a good thing.  I knew going in to this, that this would be a physical risk for me.

With my "condition", any good/bad stress causes my adrenaline to go through the roof.  The "rush" takes up any and all strength/energy that I have.  This causes total physical destruction from top to bottom.  I had no idea just how exciting writing the blog would be.  My brain was on the adrenaline high for the most part, but physically the change was minimal.

I saw Dr. Wonderful on Wednesday afternoon and I think I managed to hold on to the mental/physical upswing until I saw her.  I was super excited to tell her how the previous week unfolded.  I didn't begin the blog until the day after our last session.  All I can say to those that know me well, is that I felt like I was bringing home a report card with straight A's. ("high fiving" myself...aka, clapping)

Not surprisingly, we spent most of the hour discussing the blog, the good, the bad and the ugly (remember from my last blog, I'm a pretty young thang sittin' behind this keyboard!).  When she brought up pitfalls, I knew exactly where she was going.  It was something I was aware of, but not wanting to admit, at least not until I had no choice. I have to take it in stride and try not to get too excited about it.  Almost immediately after our session, I took a major nose dive and am now back to where I was prior blogging, which is my normal.  It is best for me, to keep myself steady and not take this too serious.  Dr. Wonderful and I discussed strategies to cope with this new "chapter" in my life.  I don't think I'll need to implement them, since my body is taking over and putting me back in my place, not to mention, there is a "gone fishin'" sign sticking out of my brain....hey, I thought fish was considered brain food...

Even though everyone knows that my life is an open book, I do not want to get in to my daily symptoms and struggles, it seems emotionally healthier for me to avoid that subject. However, I do want to explain my cognitive issues.  I think this will help you understand when I am too sick to post, answer the phone or return e-mails.  For a large part of my new life, my brain can't seem to handle the simplest things.  I have explained to my friends and family it is like I have no "mental strength".  Prior to getting sick, I would have never put those two words together or understood what it meant.  At times, it takes so much energy for me to answer a simple question, sometimes causing my speech to slur.  If I am having a conversation with Jimmy, and I feel the struggle to get the words out, then slur my speech, I stop in my tracks, (yeah, you heard it here...I stop talking baby..Sr. Ann Girard should see me now) and get back to bed.   I am going to have times where there will be days between blogs, but, as the "Talkinator"..."I'll be back"...

On to other things....I decided I don't like the name of my blog.  In fact, when I was setting it up, I'm not sure I realized that what I wrote was going to be the name of the blog.  With the constant ADD interruptions, I was thinking "Off Topic" :)....any suggestions???

Now for the reason I pushed myself to write today...TWICE...is that I wanted to remind you that tonight is the finale of Oprah's "Your OWN Show" at 9:00, obviously on the OWN network.   I am so excited...oh no, calm down sister...for my guy Zach!  I am so confident he is going to win. Whether he wins or not, I am going to have more to say on that subject in future posts.

As Phil and I would jokingly say (Phil, you better be reading!!!!!), I am "spent"....

Again, thank you so much for reading and your beautiful feedback.  Without it, I am sure I wouldn't have the courage to continue.....writing, that is....I don't want to see Kevorkian as a "follower"! 

XO