As you know, I've been going through a rough time the last several months. Tears always close to the surface...par for this course, and it will pass at some point.
I am having a harder time, harder than normal, the last month or so. Because of this, I have even more time to just think. I really have too much time to think as it is, ugh it hurts to go deeper.
Before I continue, this is a post that will be appreciated and understood by my sick friends, more than those that are well.
Anyway, with all this time to think, I have had a new realization/epiphany...I wouldn't have imagined that there were any new ones to come, after seven years.....God, I hate to think that there might be more.
One of the things that has had me more teary eyed, and sad these days, is that in many ways, most aspects of my life ended seven years ago. I think so much about the good 'ol days ~ and there were a lot of them. What saddens me, is that if I hadn't gotten so sick, I would have continued living a great life. Never being saddened by memories of my past. I wouldn't have time for such nonsense. I would be living and constantly, unknowingly creating new memories.
I feel so imprisoned, in so many ways. There are no memories being made. That part of my life is over. It is like the end of a record on a record player, after the last song has been played...a deafening silence. I don't want this to sound morose, but I really feel like my life ended seven years ago, and now I am left to exist.
While I was growing up, my parents had a beach house down Long Beach Island, NJ. To say they were the best summers of my life, would be an understatement. Tonight, my oldest and best friend, Ceal, took a picture of our old house and texted it to me. (Ceal is down LBI for the week) I cannot believe that it brought me to tears. (I love Ceal to pieces and so happy that she sent the picture, so I could send it to everyone else....so, Ceal, you did the right thing :)
Anyway, seeing the house conjured up endless happy memories. It also brought me back to what I have been thinking so much about lately...there are no memories for me to make anymore. Yes, those I love are making memories around me, which is great. I just feel so empty that none are mine. It's a very difficult existence, with so much of me completely gone. I hate it beyond words.
I could be wrong, but I think you would have to be in my position to really get what I am saying.... sounds like jibberish. I know others that feel this same loss.
This has been on my short list of things to post about. After Ceal sent the picture earlier tonight, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to address it. Ceal asked if there was anything else I wanted to see down LBI, and she would take pictures to text. I told her "I want to see everything..with you!"....if only things weren't as they are....
Hello, my precious friend. Sigh.....you are not alone in your feelings. It's a little late at night right now and my brain feels a little foggy, but I just wanted to tell you that your words touched me and when I read them I could completely empathize and understand. I've told Dale before that our new condo feels like a beautiful prison. I spend so much time inside and away from people, and like you, miss out on so many memories with the people I love.
ReplyDeleteYour life has meaning, Cathy. You're the one person that I can relate to (wish we had met under more fun circumstances) and I find comfort in knowing that there's a YOU.
Praying for days of strength and many more beautiful memories for you, Cathy. You are loved! XO
Hiya Cathy,
ReplyDeleteBoy, you couldn't have said it better. For me, it's almost as if I was, not I am. Been trying forever to get past it, but when you can't do anything for more than a couple of minutes, where else does the disheartened mind go? Maybe I will learn to meditate and have out of body flying around experiences...
love and prayers,
L
Thank you Lynne. You really have to live this life to understand how hard the emotional aspects are, aside from the physical. I'm at a horrible low. I have been here before and hopefully it will pass soon.
ReplyDeleteVicki - I get the "beautiful prison". Sometimes I ask myself how my life would change if we won the lottery. There would such a minimal change in our lives, but at its core, it would all still be waiting for me. Millions wouldn't change my daily existence.
Thank you both for your comments, it helps so much to know I am not alone and my thoughts are legitimate. XO
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteYou are making a difference in peoples lives, still. You are educating some and you are the voice of others. You are showing us the commonality. At some point we will all be where you are and you are teaching us how to handle the dark moments. Your glass has always been half full. You always look at possibilities not obstacles. Life has not trained you for this state of limbo but you are handling it with style and grace. Thank you for all you do.
I too cherish the memories of LBI with you and your dear sweet mom. They were some of the best times of my life.
Ann