Testing...one...two....Testing...one..two

Cough, cough....I feel like such a newcomer!  It has been so many months since I last posted.  I can't tell you how many times I almost came back on, but couldn't quite get my head in the game.  Blogging is so much fun and remarkably rewarding....I really did miss the fun of it all....hoping I can find my way back again...

I am forever going through ups (very few and far between) and downs, both physically and emotionally.  It seems like it has been the perfect storm for the past few months.  Feeling the way I did physically, I knew it would be impossible to come on and do anything but sing the blues...ask my kids...you don't want to hear me sing!  If I were singing "Happy Birthday"...they would consider it the blues!

In these past months, I have been ever conscious of needing to blog again.  It is almost like double-dutch jump rope, just waiting for the right time to jump in.  At this point, I can't say if this is the right time or not, but I'm jumping in....at least for tonight. By the end of this post, I'll know if I'm back or not.....maybe.. 

When I sit here typing, it is like talking to a friend.  I never really know what direction the post will take by the end.  I'll get my physical issues out of the way, so I can move on to something more fun.  

It has been very hard physically.  I seem to hit new lows approximately twice a year.  It is all very discouraging.  There is SO much going on in my body, and none of it is good.  It is harder and harder for me to get out of this house, with the walls closing in around me.  These days, I might get up, dressed and out for a quick errand two or three times per month.  Each night, I have my agenda planned for the following day ~ such a joke!   You know, I think I'll put off this part of the conversation until another time....I don't like where it is heading....too many downer issues....my eyes are filling up...I don't want to "go there"....  I'll explain more another time.

Sooo, today was a better day than I have had in months.  Very big surprise!!!  I just couldn't stand another minute in this house and I felt like I could go for a short errand.  Jimmy came with me and we ended up going on two errands and grabbing dinner at 9:00.  I did have to use my power w/c, or none of this would have been possible.  Lately, having the w/c hasn't been enough to get me through the shortest errands.  Tonight was a banner night!  Excuse me if I'm a little full of myself ~ Yay...kinda'...almost normal ... by an abnormal person's standards :)

This paragraph is going to be disjointed/ADDish.  My son Phil was married to Laura in January and joined the Coast Guard a few months before.  The transformation in his spirit is remarkable and we are all so incredibly proud of him and super excited  to see the amazing man he has become.  It is hysterical, even I feel like I should salute when I see him!!  Recently he came back from his first tour to Panama and Guantanamo Bay.  His stories are so exciting!  Phil has a big fan club in the Steuber/Mahony family!  It is fun watching Phil and Laura begin their life together in Charleston...so much fun!  Here comes my ADD...When he came home to Charleston, from his first tour, Phil and Laura drove down and surprised us...well, me first.  I had been at the food store and was crazy sick and  needed to get horizontal ASAP.  When I walked in the door, I heard the TV on, but I was so sick, I didn't care if it was Charles Manson sitting there.  When I saw Phil and Laura, I thought both my lungs and heart shut down at the same time.  I was SO shocked!!!  It was the most amazing gift.  Okay, continuing with the ADD.... as in other posts/phone calls/e-mails, I have to state my disclaimer that "I am not suicidal and NEVER will be"..okay, so there are many, many days where I just want it to end....much different than me ending it.  As much as I love, love, love my entire family, I feel like it is just too much (refer back to the disclaimer!!).  Anyone in my position would feel this way, it is impossible to convince yourself on a daily basis that you are peachy, while dealing with horrible pain and a multitude of other debilitating issues.  Okay, can anyone really follow this crazy story????  My point is that when I saw Phil and Laura standing in my living room that day, I thought to myself " I am so happy to be alive today...to be here for this".  After, I had that thought, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I could honestly say that. Such a revelation that I could actually feel that way. That beautiful day, I was reminded that there are times, no matter how rare, that fill you with love and happiness, no matter what is going on in your life......and don't even get me started on my grandchildren....

...So... what's that???.... you want to hear about my grandchildren?????  Well, I  would rather not, but I since I am a people pleaser.... they are so amazing, each with their own distinct beautiful personality!!!!  I've said before that they are love in human form....I'm sure they are exactly what the angels in heaven look like.  They make me feel like Captain Jack Sparrow and Cinderella mixed together....I guess you could say Victor/Victoria :)

I love (there has to be a more powerful word than love) the way their faces light up when they see me.  SO precious!!!  They don't know I'm sick, or that I look so horrible.  They love me so much, they don't see the exterior....so sweet and innocent.  All they see are my eyes and in to my heart and soul.  Lately, I've been horizontal more than vertical when they have visited.  Gabby and Brayden end up in my bed, with the covers pulled up to our chins (actually my chins), and we watch Captain Jack Sparrow in one of the "Pirate's" movies, or a Disney movie.  The feeling of them snuggling with me is indescribable!!  I would have never thought that they would be interested in our bed/snuggle/movie time.  From the beginning, I just assumed they would be too busy out and around the house with everyone else.  Of course, by the time they come in with me, they already made their rounds and are kind of pooped..and pooped  :)

Aaahhh...Brayden, Gabby and Maks...I thought you would never ask!!!

I do have to add, if I say so myself, I really enjoy my playlist while writing.  Right now Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" is playing...After talking about Phil/Laura's surprise visit and my grandangels, I couldn't think of a more perfect song ....here comes the ending....What a Wonderful World World.... ....Oooooohhhhh  Yeeaaaaahhhh

Hey...did I just write that above???....it doesn't sound like me these days....blogging is good.

PS ~Special hugs and kisses to Ceal, Erica, Kathy and Dina Ballerina XOXO ~ I miss you all so much.

I have more stories to tell you about Chris, Danielle, Ryan, Liz and my super hero parents!!! ...Me thinks I am back on the horse ... giddyup...