Hanging under the radar...

I just took a second to glance at my previous post.  Geez ~ it was about our anniversary.  I feel like that was months ago.

The past few weeks have been hard on us.  Most of you know that we had to put our dog, Moose, to sleep.  SO heartbreaking.  

If you have never been through this, or had a special long time pet....delete now!  You will think I am completely mental!

We got Moose when he was one and a half, and severely abused.  The poor thing was only sixty-five pounds, when he should have been double that.  We were lucky enough to have him for approximately ten years.  Moose was my sidekick...literally never left my side.  

I remember, a few months before getting sick, he jumped on my bed and deliberately spread his 130 pound body across my legs.  He had never done that before, and he seemed like he thought about which position would be best.  At the time, I thought it was such unusual behavior for him, I even asked myself "is this one of those things they talk about, when dogs sense something is about to happen?". Moose did this over and over for a few weeks, and it was one of those things that made me go "hhhhmm".  I knew he had a reason to do this, but didn't understand at the time.

A few months later, my world started to fall apart.  Moose was my pal, at a time when I was so incredibly isolated...basically the past seven years.  Even when Jimmy would bring him in from a walk, he would check on me before getting a big drink of water.

Beginning the week prior to putting him to sleep, we noticed he was declining and the vet said he had lung cancer and a large mass pushing against his stomach.  I couldn't believe that I was losing my pal...I still cannot believe it. He lived a beautiful and long life. We couldn't have asked for more.

Jimmy felt that we should get another dog as soon as possible.  SUCH GUILT! Ryan called last Monday, saying he was out and would go with me to the shelter if I was ready. I had been crying all night and, in a split second, agreed to go.

We ended up at a shelter in Davie.  This place was huge, with so many dogs.  I had very strict criteria, considering my health and Jimmy's long work hours.  I asked, and they delivered.

Now we have an adorable lab mix, named Rudy. He loves to be loved (so much so, he is a licker...not loving that...his nickname is Pierre, the French kisser) and is amazingly well behaved...probably due to the fact that he is five years old. I am not crazy in love yet, but I am sure that will come in time.  Again...feeling guilty!  

I had been very sick since January.  These spells happen and will usually last for months.  The worst of it finally lifted the week before Moose got sick.  Once I realized we would be losing him soon, my adrenaline kicked in, which is never a good sign for me....when the adrenaline stops, I always have hell to pay.  As this was going on, I knew, knew, knew that my symptoms would go downhill again...and they did, as of a few days ago.

We'll see how long it lingers this time.  Those few short weeks enabled me to be vertical a little longer and in better shape, if I needed to go to the doctors, food store, etc. 

So, aside from that, I am constantly trying to work on myself and my outlook on my life.  It is a daily battle.  My two favorite internet friends, Shari and Vicki, are both very sick as well.  They seem to be on the same emotional roller coaster.  Finally, it dawned on me that they have both been sick for approximately ten years, and have the same emotional struggles. When I speak to them during their hard times, I think it is natural and completely understand...never thinking they are feeling sorry for themselves. For some reason, I didn't want to allow myself to do the same.  I should not expect to live in the land of a cup half full..ice tea glass half full...from long island...full glass...  There are times when I really am that way, but I now believe that the emotional struggles are part of the package...another symptom.

The upside to all of this, is that I am going to take the pressure off of myself... trying to be fun loving, while feeling so physically sick. That is impossible, even for a well person. A better way to explain it, is that I will remove the expectation of not letting this all get to me. It is a fact of my life..... as it has been for the past seven years, and it will continue to be so.  Thank God I don't have to deal with this every single day.  I do have up days and I am always grateful when I feel that way.  Days like that are the best!!!!  The pity parties will come and go...so be it.....brushing the dust off of my shoulders :)

I am astonished at the amount of hard work and concentration it takes to rise above it. Hoping that allowing my emotions to do their own organic thing, will relieve me of the pressure of trying to hide it. Always a work in progress.  Shari recently sent me information on a book devoted to this very issue....how to emotionally deal with a chronic illness.  I am going to order it, and will be excited to learn some new tools.

As always, missing my friends/family horribly...such an enormous void in my life. I have been trying to catch up on my phone calls. Wishing, SO much, they were all local so I could see them. There are no words to describe what it would mean to have everyone within reach again. Putting on my ruby slippers...

You know who you are... I miss and love you all so much...XO