I know this blog is supposed to be about chronic illness, but I have really gone off track the past few days. For those that are up to speed, I wanted to give today's update.
Jimmy met with the owners again tonight. The dog is a Maltese and only one year old. They had taken it to Coral Springs Medical Center, which is the most amazing vet/pet hospital I have ever seen. When we brough Moose in, I thought I was on the set of Grey(hound's) Anatomy. I told Jimmy to take me there if I have chest pains. This place is exactly like being in a real hospital and ER....with ridiculously high rates.
Fortunately, they transferred their dog to another vet in Hollywood, which cut the cost by almost half. It appears that we are covered by our homeowners insurance up to $25,000, with a $1,000 deductible. Jimmy has to talk to the woman at the insurance office tomorrow to go over some important questions and confirm that we are covered, since this didn't happen on our property. Jimmy will be going to meet with the family again, tomorrow night.
As for the update above, it has helped put me at ease.
I am concerned for this little 5.2 pound dog. It's funny, but for some reason, we have referred to our last two dogs as "Poochy", when they already had names....or, maybe I should say that I called them Poochy and other terms of endearment too embarrassing to admit. When Jimmy came home from the meeting with the family tonight, after going over the bills, Jimmy now refers to the Maltese as "Moochy"...I had to laugh. Now that we know he is only one and not an older dog, I feel much better about his overall prognosis and recovery. Hoping that he returns to perfect health. I completely understand how their family feels.
Sadly, next on the agenda, is returning Rudy/Poochy to the shelter. He is so lovable and sweet, it breaks my heart. The upside, is that because of his loving and affectionate nature, and being perfectly house trained, I expect he will not be in the shelter for long. In his little bio, they will add that he is not good around small dogs. I am amazed how hard this will be after only three weeks...but, I am a sap...
Today was a rough day physically for me. I had to get some blood work done, so the results will be at my doctor's appointment next Monday. UGH...so hard to have to leave when I am not doing good. When I got to the lab, the parking lot was packed. There are NEVER enough handicapped parking spaces. We live in Florida....half of the spaces should be handicapped!!! I was miserable that I even had to leave the house, feeling as I did. When I got there, it was pretty full and it is sometimes really hard for me to have to wait, if it is too long. Finally the nurse called me back and she was miserable. Not to mention, that I was miserable also, from the time I decided to force myself to get it done today. Regardless, I was so nice to her ( always looking for a conversation :) and she was really rude, one word answers, barely audible comments and never made eye contact.....until, she recognized my purse from my last visit. Then she opened up and was so nice. My mood completely changed, it was so funny. I went in like a lion and came out like a lamb! We practically hugged and kissed, we she was done. As always, back in the car, pj's and bed, as soon as humanly possible. Just relieved that it is over and behind me. In the past, taking blood has been a nightmare, because of my extremely low blood volume. I am in a perpetual state of dehydration. Before going, I was super nauseous, but still had to drink a half a gallon of water to pump up my blood level, so my girlfriend could find a vein. In fact, next month, I am scheduled for a nuclear stress test. Since they are familiar with my condition, and they will have to insert an IV, they told me to drink water excessively, beginning a week ahead of the test.
I have mentioned before, how the nurses and doctor's staff are so often, short and abrasive in their nature. They have no idea that a genuine smile goes such a long way....especially when dealing will very ill patients. I think their often rude and abrupt behavior is inexcusable...especially considering the business they are in. As much as I would love to talk to them about where they are from, how long they have been doing what they are doing, what their favorite restaurant is, etc,(just kidding...no I'm not) I am really only hoping for a simple smile and eye contact when talking.
Again, I know I have completely derailed this blog, due to the last few weeks with Moose, then Rudy. I promise I will get back on track. Hoping sooner, rather than later, but it is hard to tell, since we still have such a big step to take with Rudy.
Time for this sap to get some sleep ~
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
So upsetting...
We have had so many difficult challenges over the past several years, each time convincing myself that enough is enough....this has to be it...no more. In some cases, I haven't always posted about these not so pleasant events.
Our latest heartbreak is our new little dog, Rudy. We adopted him from the shelter. In a previous post, I believe I mentioned that I had strict criteria...a dog that is a few years old, perfectly house trained, mild mannered and good with kids...check, check, check and check. Ryan was with me and this dog met and exceeded all of our expectations.
Rudy has been as sweet and lovable as we could have hoped for. Without question, he has been the most submissive dog I have ever seen.
On Friday night, Jimmy took Rudy for a walk. They passed a woman with a tiny white toy type dog. Apparently Rudy went for the dog, but Jimmy pulled him back and spoke for a minute with the other dog owner. After pulling him back, Rudy, went behind Jimmy and wiggled himself out of his collar and attacked the little dog. He had the dog in his mouth and was shaking him like a rag doll. Jimmy had to put his hand in Rudy's mouth to unlock him off of the other dog. In the meantime, the little one bit Jimmy.
At this point, the other dog's owner ran down the street, carrying her dog and crying. It was dark out and Jimmy had no idea who she was or where she lived. When Jimmy walked in the door Friday night, I swear he had a look of shock and horror on his face that I had never seen in thirty-one years. Everyone that knows "the saint", can attest that he doesn't exactly have a flair for the dramatic....like some people we know. Jimmy looked like he just witnessed a murder in our driveway. We were both in total shock.
Yesterday, I kept telling Jimmy that he had to find her, to see how their dog was doing. All the while, not expecting that the dog was anything but traumatized...a little naive on my part.
Last night, there was a knock on the door. They had the guard at the gate check the surveillance camera, and the guard told them where we live. They came to our house..the mother, father and young daughter.
They spoke outside, so I wasn't there for the conversation...thank God. Rudy broke their dog's hip in three places and is in the hospital. According to the father, the dog is older and he wanted them to put the dog to sleep. The mother and daughter were distraught and wouldn't allow it...understandably. We were just there three weeks ago with Moose.
We are responsible for one half of the hospital bill. At this point, our half will amount to $4,000...which is the best case scenario, assuming there are no complications. Each additional night in the hospital, is another thousand. I am concerned about his age and recovery. We just went through a very expensive process with Moose, so we know how fast the bill can double and triple.
Needless to say, we will have to return Rudy to the shelter. With this on his record, I expect that no one will adopt him. There is no way to know what triggered this sudden aggression, but then again, we have only had him for three weeks.
With Jimmy's work schedule, he is not available to come with me, to bring the dog back. This is horribly upsetting for both of us...we can barely look at each other. I will be taking him, the next day I am well enough.
All that has happened since Friday has been incredibly emotional, on many levels. Dropping Rudy off is going to be too difficult, but he has to be brought back, nonetheless.
I am sorry to be so heavy...this is probably an example of a time when I shouldn't even post. There are several friends and family that know all about Rudy and this will save me from making many calls.
As far as my condition, I am, without doubt, facing repercussions from the emotions of the past three weeks....I wish I could run away.
Our latest heartbreak is our new little dog, Rudy. We adopted him from the shelter. In a previous post, I believe I mentioned that I had strict criteria...a dog that is a few years old, perfectly house trained, mild mannered and good with kids...check, check, check and check. Ryan was with me and this dog met and exceeded all of our expectations.
Rudy has been as sweet and lovable as we could have hoped for. Without question, he has been the most submissive dog I have ever seen.
On Friday night, Jimmy took Rudy for a walk. They passed a woman with a tiny white toy type dog. Apparently Rudy went for the dog, but Jimmy pulled him back and spoke for a minute with the other dog owner. After pulling him back, Rudy, went behind Jimmy and wiggled himself out of his collar and attacked the little dog. He had the dog in his mouth and was shaking him like a rag doll. Jimmy had to put his hand in Rudy's mouth to unlock him off of the other dog. In the meantime, the little one bit Jimmy.
At this point, the other dog's owner ran down the street, carrying her dog and crying. It was dark out and Jimmy had no idea who she was or where she lived. When Jimmy walked in the door Friday night, I swear he had a look of shock and horror on his face that I had never seen in thirty-one years. Everyone that knows "the saint", can attest that he doesn't exactly have a flair for the dramatic....like some people we know. Jimmy looked like he just witnessed a murder in our driveway. We were both in total shock.
Yesterday, I kept telling Jimmy that he had to find her, to see how their dog was doing. All the while, not expecting that the dog was anything but traumatized...a little naive on my part.
Last night, there was a knock on the door. They had the guard at the gate check the surveillance camera, and the guard told them where we live. They came to our house..the mother, father and young daughter.
They spoke outside, so I wasn't there for the conversation...thank God. Rudy broke their dog's hip in three places and is in the hospital. According to the father, the dog is older and he wanted them to put the dog to sleep. The mother and daughter were distraught and wouldn't allow it...understandably. We were just there three weeks ago with Moose.
We are responsible for one half of the hospital bill. At this point, our half will amount to $4,000...which is the best case scenario, assuming there are no complications. Each additional night in the hospital, is another thousand. I am concerned about his age and recovery. We just went through a very expensive process with Moose, so we know how fast the bill can double and triple.
Needless to say, we will have to return Rudy to the shelter. With this on his record, I expect that no one will adopt him. There is no way to know what triggered this sudden aggression, but then again, we have only had him for three weeks.
With Jimmy's work schedule, he is not available to come with me, to bring the dog back. This is horribly upsetting for both of us...we can barely look at each other. I will be taking him, the next day I am well enough.
All that has happened since Friday has been incredibly emotional, on many levels. Dropping Rudy off is going to be too difficult, but he has to be brought back, nonetheless.
I am sorry to be so heavy...this is probably an example of a time when I shouldn't even post. There are several friends and family that know all about Rudy and this will save me from making many calls.
As far as my condition, I am, without doubt, facing repercussions from the emotions of the past three weeks....I wish I could run away.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
A couple of weights lifted...
First things first...so happy to have finally started writing in my other blog again. I had it going for a while and loved having a place to really get down to the nitty gritty. When I realized that it was the first thing to pop up, when my name was googled, I immediately erased all of the posts. Although, I did save them for myself, for future reference and comparisons. Not that I expect anyone to be googling my name, but I had no idea just how public it was...and easy to access. My thoughts were too revealing to share in such a public forum.
For whatever reason, it has taken me several months to finally start a new one. This time, I was careful to set it to the highest privacy level. This new blog is more private, and I only want others in my shoes, or in a related medical position, to view it. Last night, I contacted those that I knew would truly understand. If I missed anyone, please e-mail me at steubercathy@yahoo.com, and I will make it available. It feels like a weight has been lifted, just knowing I can talk about things that others understandably do not.
A few days ago, I deactivated my Facebook account....another weight lifted! I knew of several readers that would refer to my FB info page for the link to this blog. It was for that reason, that I held on for so long. Like everyone, I joined to connect with some incredibly special friends from my lifetime. I will keep in touch with these gems through e-mail. Aside from that, I have been turned off by reading some of what was written and found it disturbing, in some cases. I never engage in these FB conversations. Nonetheless, they end up on my homepage. That I don't need! It has been a long time coming and it feels good!
Now, this is a case, where a huge weight has been put on our shoulders. I am pretty sure that I mentioned that we adopted a new dog, Rudy. Time is flying, I think it may be almost three weeks already. He is so lovable. Unfortunately, there was an incident tonight that has Jimmy and I reeling. We are seriously considering returning him to the shelter...so upsetting. We will need to make a decision in the immediate future. My sister-in-law, Geri, is the most dog whisperish person I know. Tomorrow, I will have to call and get her thoughts. This is very upsetting for us....it's only been three weeks and I am heartbroken already.
The first week we had Rudy, I took him for a walk...did you hear me??...I took the dog for a walk!!! It was a beautiful day, and he walks so nicely that I thought I would give it a shot. When asked, the doctor at Vanderbilt told me not to go for walks. I love and miss taking walks so much, I had to go for it. Round trip, we walked a half of a mile. Needless to say, when we came home, I had to get in my PJ's and in to bed ASAP. I felt the effects for several days following the walk. I am so envious, when I see people out power walking. That is one of the things I miss most, since getting sick. Prior to everything hitting me, I was walking between four and five miles, just about every day. I was like greased lightening....in my opinion :) I do not regret the walk, and hoping I have another day, in the not too distant future, when I can take a walk again....love it! (it isn't that I cannot walk, it is just too rigorous of an exercise for my condition)
I am looking forward to my next appointment with my endocrinologist. Now that I am giving myself insulin shots, I am surprised that I am not seeing any improvement in my daily blood sugar numbers. Every three days, I increase the dose by two. I began at 5 and am now at 31. In two days, I will no doubt have to up it another two. The last time I met with this dr., Dr. Mohan, he gave me some disturbing numbers (kidney, liver and diabetes AIC) from my latest blood work. I was too shocked to think of questions. I am equipped with a lot of questions and am looking forward to seeing Dr. Mohan, to better understand why everything went drastically downhill, in just a few months.
Last Saturday, I had a complete meltdown...again. I was a blubbering mess for two hours. I had to unload on Poor Jimmy about my condition and worries. After the worst was over, we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Big Bear. I know I always joke about ordering a Long Island Ice Tea, but this time I really did! I sat at the bar and couldn't get the words out fast enough, when the bartender walked up. It was a beautiful night to sit outside. All in all it was just what the doctor ordered. As usual, by the end of the meal, I had to get home and in bed as soon as I could.
I am still going to bed every night, with my plans for "tomorrow". Every "tomorrow", I wake up and know it is just another day, just like all the rest. I guess it doesn't hurt to have plans, just in case.
When Jimmy came home tonight, we didn't have anything in the house to make for dinner. I really wasn't up to going out, but we went to a new chain burger place that just opened, right around the corner. It is called Wayback Burger....two thumbs down :( Just in Coral Springs, we have Five Guys, Smashburger, Elevation Burger, CG Burger and now Wayback. I believe they are all chains. Since it wasn't a good night for me to go out, I just wanted to get in and out ASAP. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and it was so rubbery...a rubber chicken...yuck! I asked the girls that work there if it was any good and, in unison, they said..."YES, really great"....missed opportunity..I should have asked them how I looked! I felt like it was a waste of my energy, but Jimmy was happy to get me out of the house. I guess I would have to agree with him. Since leaving this prison is always a self induced prom-night-type-event, I haphazardly (understatement) put on my make-up, my special perfume and earrings...such a joke!
I wish I could say another weight...literal weight... has been lifted. This is a daily struggle for me....morning, noon and night, alone with absolutely no activity...l find myself in the kitchen..."Someone's In The Kitchen With Dinah" yeah, it's me...sorry that ancient song just popped in to my mushy ADD brain!
That wraps it up for tonight. I will write when we know which direction to go with little Rudy :(
For whatever reason, it has taken me several months to finally start a new one. This time, I was careful to set it to the highest privacy level. This new blog is more private, and I only want others in my shoes, or in a related medical position, to view it. Last night, I contacted those that I knew would truly understand. If I missed anyone, please e-mail me at steubercathy@yahoo.com, and I will make it available. It feels like a weight has been lifted, just knowing I can talk about things that others understandably do not.
A few days ago, I deactivated my Facebook account....another weight lifted! I knew of several readers that would refer to my FB info page for the link to this blog. It was for that reason, that I held on for so long. Like everyone, I joined to connect with some incredibly special friends from my lifetime. I will keep in touch with these gems through e-mail. Aside from that, I have been turned off by reading some of what was written and found it disturbing, in some cases. I never engage in these FB conversations. Nonetheless, they end up on my homepage. That I don't need! It has been a long time coming and it feels good!
Now, this is a case, where a huge weight has been put on our shoulders. I am pretty sure that I mentioned that we adopted a new dog, Rudy. Time is flying, I think it may be almost three weeks already. He is so lovable. Unfortunately, there was an incident tonight that has Jimmy and I reeling. We are seriously considering returning him to the shelter...so upsetting. We will need to make a decision in the immediate future. My sister-in-law, Geri, is the most dog whisperish person I know. Tomorrow, I will have to call and get her thoughts. This is very upsetting for us....it's only been three weeks and I am heartbroken already.
The first week we had Rudy, I took him for a walk...did you hear me??...I took the dog for a walk!!! It was a beautiful day, and he walks so nicely that I thought I would give it a shot. When asked, the doctor at Vanderbilt told me not to go for walks. I love and miss taking walks so much, I had to go for it. Round trip, we walked a half of a mile. Needless to say, when we came home, I had to get in my PJ's and in to bed ASAP. I felt the effects for several days following the walk. I am so envious, when I see people out power walking. That is one of the things I miss most, since getting sick. Prior to everything hitting me, I was walking between four and five miles, just about every day. I was like greased lightening....in my opinion :) I do not regret the walk, and hoping I have another day, in the not too distant future, when I can take a walk again....love it! (it isn't that I cannot walk, it is just too rigorous of an exercise for my condition)
I am looking forward to my next appointment with my endocrinologist. Now that I am giving myself insulin shots, I am surprised that I am not seeing any improvement in my daily blood sugar numbers. Every three days, I increase the dose by two. I began at 5 and am now at 31. In two days, I will no doubt have to up it another two. The last time I met with this dr., Dr. Mohan, he gave me some disturbing numbers (kidney, liver and diabetes AIC) from my latest blood work. I was too shocked to think of questions. I am equipped with a lot of questions and am looking forward to seeing Dr. Mohan, to better understand why everything went drastically downhill, in just a few months.
Last Saturday, I had a complete meltdown...again. I was a blubbering mess for two hours. I had to unload on Poor Jimmy about my condition and worries. After the worst was over, we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Big Bear. I know I always joke about ordering a Long Island Ice Tea, but this time I really did! I sat at the bar and couldn't get the words out fast enough, when the bartender walked up. It was a beautiful night to sit outside. All in all it was just what the doctor ordered. As usual, by the end of the meal, I had to get home and in bed as soon as I could.
I am still going to bed every night, with my plans for "tomorrow". Every "tomorrow", I wake up and know it is just another day, just like all the rest. I guess it doesn't hurt to have plans, just in case.
When Jimmy came home tonight, we didn't have anything in the house to make for dinner. I really wasn't up to going out, but we went to a new chain burger place that just opened, right around the corner. It is called Wayback Burger....two thumbs down :( Just in Coral Springs, we have Five Guys, Smashburger, Elevation Burger, CG Burger and now Wayback. I believe they are all chains. Since it wasn't a good night for me to go out, I just wanted to get in and out ASAP. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and it was so rubbery...a rubber chicken...yuck! I asked the girls that work there if it was any good and, in unison, they said..."YES, really great"....missed opportunity..I should have asked them how I looked! I felt like it was a waste of my energy, but Jimmy was happy to get me out of the house. I guess I would have to agree with him. Since leaving this prison is always a self induced prom-night-type-event, I haphazardly (understatement) put on my make-up, my special perfume and earrings...such a joke!
I wish I could say another weight...literal weight... has been lifted. This is a daily struggle for me....morning, noon and night, alone with absolutely no activity...l find myself in the kitchen..."Someone's In The Kitchen With Dinah" yeah, it's me...sorry that ancient song just popped in to my mushy ADD brain!
That wraps it up for tonight. I will write when we know which direction to go with little Rudy :(
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Hanging under the radar...
I just took a second to glance at my previous post. Geez ~ it was about our anniversary. I feel like that was months ago.
The past few weeks have been hard on us. Most of you know that we had to put our dog, Moose, to sleep. SO heartbreaking.
If you have never been through this, or had a special long time pet....delete now! You will think I am completely mental!
We got Moose when he was one and a half, and severely abused. The poor thing was only sixty-five pounds, when he should have been double that. We were lucky enough to have him for approximately ten years. Moose was my sidekick...literally never left my side.
I remember, a few months before getting sick, he jumped on my bed and deliberately spread his 130 pound body across my legs. He had never done that before, and he seemed like he thought about which position would be best. At the time, I thought it was such unusual behavior for him, I even asked myself "is this one of those things they talk about, when dogs sense something is about to happen?". Moose did this over and over for a few weeks, and it was one of those things that made me go "hhhhmm". I knew he had a reason to do this, but didn't understand at the time.
A few months later, my world started to fall apart. Moose was my pal, at a time when I was so incredibly isolated...basically the past seven years. Even when Jimmy would bring him in from a walk, he would check on me before getting a big drink of water.
Beginning the week prior to putting him to sleep, we noticed he was declining and the vet said he had lung cancer and a large mass pushing against his stomach. I couldn't believe that I was losing my pal...I still cannot believe it. He lived a beautiful and long life. We couldn't have asked for more.
Jimmy felt that we should get another dog as soon as possible. SUCH GUILT! Ryan called last Monday, saying he was out and would go with me to the shelter if I was ready. I had been crying all night and, in a split second, agreed to go.
We ended up at a shelter in Davie. This place was huge, with so many dogs. I had very strict criteria, considering my health and Jimmy's long work hours. I asked, and they delivered.
Now we have an adorable lab mix, named Rudy. He loves to be loved (so much so, he is a licker...not loving that...his nickname is Pierre, the French kisser) and is amazingly well behaved...probably due to the fact that he is five years old. I am not crazy in love yet, but I am sure that will come in time. Again...feeling guilty!
I had been very sick since January. These spells happen and will usually last for months. The worst of it finally lifted the week before Moose got sick. Once I realized we would be losing him soon, my adrenaline kicked in, which is never a good sign for me....when the adrenaline stops, I always have hell to pay. As this was going on, I knew, knew, knew that my symptoms would go downhill again...and they did, as of a few days ago.
We'll see how long it lingers this time. Those few short weeks enabled me to be vertical a little longer and in better shape, if I needed to go to the doctors, food store, etc.
So, aside from that, I am constantly trying to work on myself and my outlook on my life. It is a daily battle. My two favorite internet friends, Shari and Vicki, are both very sick as well. They seem to be on the same emotional roller coaster. Finally, it dawned on me that they have both been sick for approximately ten years, and have the same emotional struggles. When I speak to them during their hard times, I think it is natural and completely understand...never thinking they are feeling sorry for themselves. For some reason, I didn't want to allow myself to do the same. I should not expect to live in the land of a cup half full..ice tea glass half full...from long island...full glass... There are times when I really am that way, but I now believe that the emotional struggles are part of the package...another symptom.
The upside to all of this, is that I am going to take the pressure off of myself... trying to be fun loving, while feeling so physically sick. That is impossible, even for a well person. A better way to explain it, is that I will remove the expectation of not letting this all get to me. It is a fact of my life..... as it has been for the past seven years, and it will continue to be so. Thank God I don't have to deal with this every single day. I do have up days and I am always grateful when I feel that way. Days like that are the best!!!! The pity parties will come and go...so be it.....brushing the dust off of my shoulders :)
I am astonished at the amount of hard work and concentration it takes to rise above it. Hoping that allowing my emotions to do their own organic thing, will relieve me of the pressure of trying to hide it. Always a work in progress. Shari recently sent me information on a book devoted to this very issue....how to emotionally deal with a chronic illness. I am going to order it, and will be excited to learn some new tools.
As always, missing my friends/family horribly...such an enormous void in my life. I have been trying to catch up on my phone calls. Wishing, SO much, they were all local so I could see them. There are no words to describe what it would mean to have everyone within reach again. Putting on my ruby slippers...
The past few weeks have been hard on us. Most of you know that we had to put our dog, Moose, to sleep. SO heartbreaking.
If you have never been through this, or had a special long time pet....delete now! You will think I am completely mental!
We got Moose when he was one and a half, and severely abused. The poor thing was only sixty-five pounds, when he should have been double that. We were lucky enough to have him for approximately ten years. Moose was my sidekick...literally never left my side.
I remember, a few months before getting sick, he jumped on my bed and deliberately spread his 130 pound body across my legs. He had never done that before, and he seemed like he thought about which position would be best. At the time, I thought it was such unusual behavior for him, I even asked myself "is this one of those things they talk about, when dogs sense something is about to happen?". Moose did this over and over for a few weeks, and it was one of those things that made me go "hhhhmm". I knew he had a reason to do this, but didn't understand at the time.
A few months later, my world started to fall apart. Moose was my pal, at a time when I was so incredibly isolated...basically the past seven years. Even when Jimmy would bring him in from a walk, he would check on me before getting a big drink of water.
Beginning the week prior to putting him to sleep, we noticed he was declining and the vet said he had lung cancer and a large mass pushing against his stomach. I couldn't believe that I was losing my pal...I still cannot believe it. He lived a beautiful and long life. We couldn't have asked for more.
Jimmy felt that we should get another dog as soon as possible. SUCH GUILT! Ryan called last Monday, saying he was out and would go with me to the shelter if I was ready. I had been crying all night and, in a split second, agreed to go.
We ended up at a shelter in Davie. This place was huge, with so many dogs. I had very strict criteria, considering my health and Jimmy's long work hours. I asked, and they delivered.
Now we have an adorable lab mix, named Rudy. He loves to be loved (so much so, he is a licker...not loving that...his nickname is Pierre, the French kisser) and is amazingly well behaved...probably due to the fact that he is five years old. I am not crazy in love yet, but I am sure that will come in time. Again...feeling guilty!
I had been very sick since January. These spells happen and will usually last for months. The worst of it finally lifted the week before Moose got sick. Once I realized we would be losing him soon, my adrenaline kicked in, which is never a good sign for me....when the adrenaline stops, I always have hell to pay. As this was going on, I knew, knew, knew that my symptoms would go downhill again...and they did, as of a few days ago.
We'll see how long it lingers this time. Those few short weeks enabled me to be vertical a little longer and in better shape, if I needed to go to the doctors, food store, etc.
So, aside from that, I am constantly trying to work on myself and my outlook on my life. It is a daily battle. My two favorite internet friends, Shari and Vicki, are both very sick as well. They seem to be on the same emotional roller coaster. Finally, it dawned on me that they have both been sick for approximately ten years, and have the same emotional struggles. When I speak to them during their hard times, I think it is natural and completely understand...never thinking they are feeling sorry for themselves. For some reason, I didn't want to allow myself to do the same. I should not expect to live in the land of a cup half full..ice tea glass half full...from long island...full glass... There are times when I really am that way, but I now believe that the emotional struggles are part of the package...another symptom.
The upside to all of this, is that I am going to take the pressure off of myself... trying to be fun loving, while feeling so physically sick. That is impossible, even for a well person. A better way to explain it, is that I will remove the expectation of not letting this all get to me. It is a fact of my life..... as it has been for the past seven years, and it will continue to be so. Thank God I don't have to deal with this every single day. I do have up days and I am always grateful when I feel that way. Days like that are the best!!!! The pity parties will come and go...so be it.....brushing the dust off of my shoulders :)
I am astonished at the amount of hard work and concentration it takes to rise above it. Hoping that allowing my emotions to do their own organic thing, will relieve me of the pressure of trying to hide it. Always a work in progress. Shari recently sent me information on a book devoted to this very issue....how to emotionally deal with a chronic illness. I am going to order it, and will be excited to learn some new tools.
As always, missing my friends/family horribly...such an enormous void in my life. I have been trying to catch up on my phone calls. Wishing, SO much, they were all local so I could see them. There are no words to describe what it would mean to have everyone within reach again. Putting on my ruby slippers...
You know who you are... I miss and love you all so much...XO
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