...or, so I think! It is hard to believe that it has been an entire month since I last posted. I never intended to take such a long break.
For the record, I have taken my parents off of my auto notification list. It has come back to me that my mom sometimes gets depressed, if I write about the not so great days. There is no need for her to read anything remotely negative. As I mention my parents from time to time, be assured that they are not reading the blog.
It has been a crazy two months with my mom's health issues. Emotions ranging from one extreme to the other. Since mid-December, my mother has been to hell and almost back. She has suffered horribly and we were all frozen with fear one month ago. My mom's oncologist has had her on a heavy dose of steroids. We are hoping that they were the primary culprit with her rapidly, deteriorating health. She has stopped taking them and it will be another week or two before they are entirely out of her system. She is still dealing with several issues. It remains to be seen how much improvement we can expect, once she is steroid free. I am still very concerned. It is obvious that she will not be the amazing dynamo she was prior to Thanksgiving. However, after seeing her at her worst last month, I am grateful for even the slightest improvement. Behind closed doors, when she is alone with my father, she confesses how sick and scared she is. On the phone with the rest of us, she does her best to put on a good front, although usually not too convincing.
Today was my birthday...UGH ~ Fi..Fi..Fi..Fifty..dry heave...Five!!! Where did that come from???? The good news, is that my father brought my mom over later in the afternoon. I was so surprised and thrilled to see them. My mom looked pretty good, by her new standards, but she wasn't doing too good. Every time I asked her questions about her different symptoms, she wouldn't answer. I think it was one of those things where she just pushed herself to get here for my BD. I get it...and do the same, when I feel the need.
So, now that my parents no longer have access to the blog (they don't know about the link), I'll be touching on this from time to time
After my parents left, Chris, Danielle, Brayden, Gabby and Maks came and brought a traveling birthday party to my house with delicious cupcakes with pink icing (Gabby picked the color:) They were delicious...oh, and the cupcakes were too! Nothing feels as good as kisses and hugs with these precious little angels. They give me such an emotional lift...What is that old, old song...something like "I've got my girl, who could ask for anything more??"..I've got my Gabby, Brayden & Maks, who could ask for anything more????"...Not I!
I apologize to all those that I owe e-mails to. It seems I have gotten worse and worse at getting back. The problem is, believe it or not, I have so much to say....I know..really! I need to take time to collect my thoughts before writing, thus procrastinating!! I'm working on getting back to everyone either through e-mail or a telephone call. Dina Ellen...I'm coming after you next!!!!!!!
Christmas was difficult for me, much like last year. I feel horrible complaining, when I have so much to be grateful for. My issues were two fold. Last year and this year, I just didn't have the energy to go all out in decorating, making everything as special as possible or in making an exciting holiday meal. I love doing all of this so incredibly much. It seems like I lost that part of me, that I have enjoyed tremendously for the past thirty years. Even though I am an adult, there has always been a special magic for me at the holidays. I feel that I have lost that completely and it makes the holidays hard on me, emotionally. It is just another casualty of being chronically ill. To most people, I'm sure this sounds so trivial, but to me it is huge loss.... I really want me back...
The other issue this year, obviously, was going through the holidays with my mom so ill. Christmas Eve was so hard and sad for me. I kept sitting next to my mother. The few conversations we began, just fizzled in to nothing. It tore my heart out. She was incredibly weak and affected by a specific blood pressure medication. For the most part, I don't feel like this woman is my mother, only sick. It is like a completely different person and I feel lost when I am with her. Don't get me wrong, there are some high points during phone calls where she almost sounds like herself. When that happens, I savor every minute.
I cannot talk about Christmas as been completely gloomy/doomy...I have grandchildren you know!!! Again, they take my heart and lift it up, without even knowing it. Chris and Danielle went out of their way to have a beautiful Christmas Eve at their house. Everything was beautiful and delicious. I love our family so much....there are no words...and you all know who you are! Also, we were lucky enough to have my sister Nancy here for Christmas this year...the more the merrier!
Last week I had one of my best doctor appointments EVER, with my immunologist at the University of Miami. She spent approximately two hours with me and helped me understand more of what is going on with my "mind of its own" body. It was incredibly informative, not all good news to hear, but still an information packed appointment. I'm not going to get in to all that in this post, since this is getting long already. I will talk about it in depth in the next post or two.
Lastly, Jimmy and I decided to go to a local steak house, Runyon's, for my birthday dinner tonight. Unfortunately, with my health issues, we always have to eat at places close to home. Needless to say, that narrows down the options. Everything was very nice and I had two drinks...if only they served them with funnels! It was just what the doctor ordered. After dinner, they brought out dessert with a candle. For the first time, since I was probably ten, I actually made a wish. I was surprised when Jimmy asked what my wish was. I know it supposedly won't come true if I say it out loud, but you know me. My wish was simply to be happy. Happy no matter what turns my health takes, happy with all the time I get to see my parents and kids, and the cuties! Just trying to be happy no matter what life throws at us. Over the last two years, more has been thrown at us than you all know. I am really going to try to keep my chin up and focus on what I DO have. No doubt, there will be times when I slip and have a pity party, but I'll need to bounce back as soon as I can.
Thank you to everyone for your sweet birthday messages, through calls, text messages, voice mail messages and endless Facebook messages, both private and public. You all made my day and lifted me up. Hey....let's do this again tomorrow!!!
I'm so happy to be back...hopefully, I'll be able to keep this ball in the air! It has been a long month since I was last on and I have to say I am diggin' my playlist!! Music is right up there with laughter AND GRANDCHILDREN, as the best medicine ~ Adele is serenading me at the moment, as I am holding off on clicking on "publish post"! Okay, she is done ... I'm outta' here before the next song starts!
XO
Cathy
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