What do you think?????

Ooohhh, I remember the days when I would say that I was too busy to think.  It seems that is pretty much how my entire life was.  Of course, I'd be thinking about jobs I was working on, where I had to go, who I had to see, etc.  These days, living in deafening silence, still deafening with the TV on, I cannot turn off the thinking.  I remember the nuns telling me to "put on your thinking cap"...they did this to me :)  When I was blogging, months ago, I know I mentioned this frustration.  Honestly, it can't be healthy for a person to be so isolated that all that is left is to think, without having the ability to turn it off. 

Dealing with such intense boredom, without having the ability to physically function, is a horrible life sentence.  In the past few months, I started playing ridiculous games on FB - UGH!!!!  I hate that I spend so much time doing this.  The bottom line is that there is nothing I can do physically and so tired of TV.  I told Jimmy that I am basically just tying to pass the time....then, I thought... passing the time until what???  Until I have to leave for work?  Until I go out with a friend?  Go to the beach????  When I thought about it, "passing the time", just to escape a a little here and there is depressing.  For me, passing the time has no end.....again, then I revert to the mindless thinking.  If only I had options....believe me, I've thought and thought and there are none.  My life was always so busy and hectic. Doing mindless things to "pass the time" is torture.  I guess I just pass the time until my body is ready to sleep again. 

We all know about the trash that is on TV.........of course, with the exception of Dancing With The Stars  :)  ....SO excited that Carson Kressley will be on.  I love him.  He doesn't need a partner,  he is so entertaining on his own.  I think I sat up in bed, because I thought I was hearing things when they announced his name - Woo Hoo!  (I love how Andy Cohen calls him "Car Car") Something to look forward to!  I was shocked when they said that Nancy Grace will also be on....I only see her doing the "Bristol Stomp"...I'm not going to mention any names, but I see one doing the "Mashed Potato"...trust me, I have no room to talk in that department... I can't throw stones...or potato's....   Oh, and David Arquette - the "pogo"...anyone remember that?  Maybe the DWTS band will play "Whip It"... I think that is how David Arquette walks down the street anyway.

I wanted to also mention my other blog.  This is the one that I prefer to keep more private, for those that are also chronically ill.  Some things I am not comfortable sharing with everyone.  In some cases, I would prefer my own family not know some of what I go through.  It is a safe haven for me to go to, when I am going through the darkest times.  Anyone that is dealing with similar issues, or have been to hell and back with unrelated issues, let me know and I'll get the link to you.  I don't post on there as often, which is a good sign!

For anyone reading from our area of Florida....I'm looking for suggestions of great steak places for our anniversary.  So far, the front runners are Steak 954 and Chops in Boca. We're also open to non steak houses too.  South Beach is not an option, so we need suggestions in Broward/Palm Beach counties. I have a suspicion that I'm going to have a lot to blog about after September 13...the good/bad/ugly.  I wish I could look in to crystal ball to see how it all unfolds.  If I could flawlessly map it out, we would be at a beautiful resort in the Keys for a few days, possibly Casa Marina, preferably Little Palm Island :) I would be able to tolerate the sun and go in the ocean for the first time in years. I would stay in for hours!!  Straight from the ocean to the tiki bar...for a loooong time, watching the beautiful Keys sunset, actually getting lost in the beauty, then late, delicious dinners on the beach, with a long time between courses.  I'm still dreaming of Jeannie....where in the hell is she???  Still in Cocoa Beach?? Please don't say we have to go to Cocoa Beach :(

So, I basically had a sleepless night, with the exception of an hour or two.  Again, what is there for me to do??????  Sit here at the computer for as long as I can comfortably sit up, or go to bed and look for something on TV???  I would give anything to say...."Gotta' go...late for work!"  

          Jeannie?????? Jeannie?????? Jeannie?????? Jeannie????

What do you know.... I'm about to sign off and Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye" just began again...time to sing my best faux opera Italian....love this so much!!!!!! It feels SO nice to smile :)

Real Love.....

It's funny, I noticed that the last word on yesterday's post was "giddyup"...say whaaat?  Who was I talking about????  I was so excited to be writing again, I thought I had super..no make that, human powers!  My recovery from the errands with Jimmy and excitement about the blog,  caused me to sleep the entire day yesterday, up for a few hours, then sleeping again until around 
3:00 am, a few hours ago.  You know how dogs run in their sleep??? Maybe I was giddyupping in my sleep....

Recovery from the other night is going to take a few days.  I'll be back in bed in a few hours and that could last until dinner time....I hope I get to giddyup....hey, maybe giddyupping in my sleep is why I'm so tired....but, what about my non-Betty Grable legs????

Jimmy and I have our thirtieth anniversary just around the corner.  We are trying to come up with the perfect way to celebrate.  Obviously, there are so many roadblocks with my issues.  Every year, for the past twenty-nine, we have made it a point to have a really special day to celebrate.  Every one was perfect.  Prior to getting sick, losing my income, Jimmy losing half of his and having to sell our previous home at a huge loss..I'm out of breath just spitting that all out, I was hoping to go to Tuscany.  As you can imagine, that is not an option for many reasons.   Olive Garden???...no can do :)

I told Jimmy several times, that I wish it was going to be thirty-one years this year, making it less special. Being a special milestone year, it upsets me that I am not physically able to do too much.  Going out to dinner is always an anxious time for me.  I can get horribly sick when we are out.  Again, being the thirtieth, I want it to be as special as we can make it  At this point, it looks like Jimmy is going to  take the week off and we'll go out when the perfect moments (optimistically writing moments/plural)  hit and I can make a run for it.  Unfortunately, it doesn't happen often....not to mention when it does, I can't expect to do it again any time soon.  I like the idea of him being around all week, but feel bad when I could possibly be sleeping the entire day.  Also, I really hate to bring the power w/c in to a nice restaurant.  It is so conspicuous.  The reason for having this...here the word applies...."giddyupping" w/c, is that when I have a sudden crash and burn, I can elevate my legs and recline my back..it's like a Transformer.... it isn't a vanity thing, I just hate attracting attention.  

For our actual anniversary night, we are looking for an amazing steak house (earmuffs Keli & Ron).  We love Ruths Chris and hoping to find something comparable, but new for us.  Steak 954 in the W in Ft. Lauderdale sounds perfect.  I just worry that I'll dive to the point that we would have to leave.  Ugh....there seems to be no great, exciting, happy, FOOLPROOF way to celebrate.  Everyone that knows me, knows the celebration HAS TO BE ON THE DAY!!!!  I know many friends and family that don't get so excited about anniversaries, and really don't consider the thirtieth anything special, but it is  important to us, more now than ever. We were also hoping to get to a place in the Keys for a few days. No doubt, I'll be talking about this off and on between now and the big day.....I dream of Jeannie..poof...

A few weeks ago, we celebrated my mother's 82nd birthday...now that's exciting.  My father's 82nd was on July 6.  They are both amazing.  You should see them!!!  They are so healthy, vibrant and active...I'm so jealous!!!....  my entire family is forever grateful that they live close to most of us and are so much fun. The funny thing, is that they are the ones taking care of everyone else.  They are too/two much!  Now, they can giddyup....just don't tell my grandchildren!  I have often called my mother Benjamin Button...I know, I know..that joke is getting old....unlike me mum :)

When I was blogging earlier in the year, I received constant beautiful and heartfelt letters from friends and family, encouraging me to continue with the blog. After the other night,  I received approximately twenty e-mails and FB messages from many of you again.  It always amazes me that there are so many that enjoy and/or get something out of what I write. It really gives me the push I need to keep writing...Chicken Soup (can I make a menu substitution...lobster bisque please) for My Soul.


This time, my playlist just played Andrea Bocelli singing "Time to Say Goodbye"...what a beautiful song.  I've told you how horrible I sing, just imagine me singing with made-up Italian words ~ 


I know I've mentioned this before.  My friend wrote an absolutely beautiful book about the life of Pearl S. Buck.  It is available to download on Kindle.  The title is "Pearl", by R.L. Salkind Meliment.  For those that know me well, you know I wouldn't push it if I didn't absolutely love it myself.  Recently, "me mum" read it and carried on as much as I did a long time ago.  She got me all riled up and wanting everyone to have the opportunity to read this great book.  It is the kind of book that makes you slow down at the end, to prolong the inevitable end.  If you don't have a Kindle, you can also download it on to your computer. It is available at Amazon Kindle......just sayin'..:)

As Andrea Bocelli once (actually probably a zillion times) said....Time To Say Goodbye...in my opera voice....just for you!  


One More thing ~ surprise, surprise!!!  As I am about to go back to bed, my playlist is playing one of my absolute favorite old songs - "Real Love" by John Lennon.  I know this is SO corny, but that really is what "it" is all about...nothing more and nothing less....XO...before bed, I'm going to post "Real Love" on FB so more can enjoy it today.

Testing...one...two....Testing...one..two

Cough, cough....I feel like such a newcomer!  It has been so many months since I last posted.  I can't tell you how many times I almost came back on, but couldn't quite get my head in the game.  Blogging is so much fun and remarkably rewarding....I really did miss the fun of it all....hoping I can find my way back again...

I am forever going through ups (very few and far between) and downs, both physically and emotionally.  It seems like it has been the perfect storm for the past few months.  Feeling the way I did physically, I knew it would be impossible to come on and do anything but sing the blues...ask my kids...you don't want to hear me sing!  If I were singing "Happy Birthday"...they would consider it the blues!

In these past months, I have been ever conscious of needing to blog again.  It is almost like double-dutch jump rope, just waiting for the right time to jump in.  At this point, I can't say if this is the right time or not, but I'm jumping in....at least for tonight. By the end of this post, I'll know if I'm back or not.....maybe.. 

When I sit here typing, it is like talking to a friend.  I never really know what direction the post will take by the end.  I'll get my physical issues out of the way, so I can move on to something more fun.  

It has been very hard physically.  I seem to hit new lows approximately twice a year.  It is all very discouraging.  There is SO much going on in my body, and none of it is good.  It is harder and harder for me to get out of this house, with the walls closing in around me.  These days, I might get up, dressed and out for a quick errand two or three times per month.  Each night, I have my agenda planned for the following day ~ such a joke!   You know, I think I'll put off this part of the conversation until another time....I don't like where it is heading....too many downer issues....my eyes are filling up...I don't want to "go there"....  I'll explain more another time.

Sooo, today was a better day than I have had in months.  Very big surprise!!!  I just couldn't stand another minute in this house and I felt like I could go for a short errand.  Jimmy came with me and we ended up going on two errands and grabbing dinner at 9:00.  I did have to use my power w/c, or none of this would have been possible.  Lately, having the w/c hasn't been enough to get me through the shortest errands.  Tonight was a banner night!  Excuse me if I'm a little full of myself ~ Yay...kinda'...almost normal ... by an abnormal person's standards :)

This paragraph is going to be disjointed/ADDish.  My son Phil was married to Laura in January and joined the Coast Guard a few months before.  The transformation in his spirit is remarkable and we are all so incredibly proud of him and super excited  to see the amazing man he has become.  It is hysterical, even I feel like I should salute when I see him!!  Recently he came back from his first tour to Panama and Guantanamo Bay.  His stories are so exciting!  Phil has a big fan club in the Steuber/Mahony family!  It is fun watching Phil and Laura begin their life together in Charleston...so much fun!  Here comes my ADD...When he came home to Charleston, from his first tour, Phil and Laura drove down and surprised us...well, me first.  I had been at the food store and was crazy sick and  needed to get horizontal ASAP.  When I walked in the door, I heard the TV on, but I was so sick, I didn't care if it was Charles Manson sitting there.  When I saw Phil and Laura, I thought both my lungs and heart shut down at the same time.  I was SO shocked!!!  It was the most amazing gift.  Okay, continuing with the ADD.... as in other posts/phone calls/e-mails, I have to state my disclaimer that "I am not suicidal and NEVER will be"..okay, so there are many, many days where I just want it to end....much different than me ending it.  As much as I love, love, love my entire family, I feel like it is just too much (refer back to the disclaimer!!).  Anyone in my position would feel this way, it is impossible to convince yourself on a daily basis that you are peachy, while dealing with horrible pain and a multitude of other debilitating issues.  Okay, can anyone really follow this crazy story????  My point is that when I saw Phil and Laura standing in my living room that day, I thought to myself " I am so happy to be alive today...to be here for this".  After, I had that thought, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I could honestly say that. Such a revelation that I could actually feel that way. That beautiful day, I was reminded that there are times, no matter how rare, that fill you with love and happiness, no matter what is going on in your life......and don't even get me started on my grandchildren....

...So... what's that???.... you want to hear about my grandchildren?????  Well, I  would rather not, but I since I am a people pleaser.... they are so amazing, each with their own distinct beautiful personality!!!!  I've said before that they are love in human form....I'm sure they are exactly what the angels in heaven look like.  They make me feel like Captain Jack Sparrow and Cinderella mixed together....I guess you could say Victor/Victoria :)

I love (there has to be a more powerful word than love) the way their faces light up when they see me.  SO precious!!!  They don't know I'm sick, or that I look so horrible.  They love me so much, they don't see the exterior....so sweet and innocent.  All they see are my eyes and in to my heart and soul.  Lately, I've been horizontal more than vertical when they have visited.  Gabby and Brayden end up in my bed, with the covers pulled up to our chins (actually my chins), and we watch Captain Jack Sparrow in one of the "Pirate's" movies, or a Disney movie.  The feeling of them snuggling with me is indescribable!!  I would have never thought that they would be interested in our bed/snuggle/movie time.  From the beginning, I just assumed they would be too busy out and around the house with everyone else.  Of course, by the time they come in with me, they already made their rounds and are kind of pooped..and pooped  :)

Aaahhh...Brayden, Gabby and Maks...I thought you would never ask!!!

I do have to add, if I say so myself, I really enjoy my playlist while writing.  Right now Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" is playing...After talking about Phil/Laura's surprise visit and my grandangels, I couldn't think of a more perfect song ....here comes the ending....What a Wonderful World World.... ....Oooooohhhhh  Yeeaaaaahhhh

Hey...did I just write that above???....it doesn't sound like me these days....blogging is good.

PS ~Special hugs and kisses to Ceal, Erica, Kathy and Dina Ballerina XOXO ~ I miss you all so much.

I have more stories to tell you about Chris, Danielle, Ryan, Liz and my super hero parents!!! ...Me thinks I am back on the horse ... giddyup...